Alice Column

Do Not Let Kim Kardashian Dress Your Infant.

Kim Kardashian 2012
When I heard that Kim Kardashian had a new baby collection coming out, I assumed it was a formal announcement that she was about to birth multiples.

As it turns out, she is not going to birth a collection of babies, but has in actuality created a line of baby clothing for Babies R Us. It's really the perfect fit. Who better to create flattering clothing for giant baby-diapered asses than a woman who is known for her spectacularly giant ass?

Whether your baby is going to The Club or Da Club, the Kardashian Kids line will help her fit right in. Behold a list of the actual items in the Kardashians' baby clothing line:

Girls black leatherette skirt (with diaper cover). Does your baby need something to wear to the pacifier rave this weekend? You're in luck! This black leatherette skirt is so scandalously short, it will make all the baby boys smile-shit their 6M elastic-waist pants.

Sleeveless dress with black leatherette diaper cover. The Babies R Us website says "She will make heads turn. ... The color block dress features faux stud details at each shoulder and an edgy leatherette diaper cover." Aww yeah. It's short. And the leatherette diaper cover says, "Mmm hmm, I piss myself on the daily, but at least I do it in animal-responsible clothing." Forecast calls for a baby thong diaper (and matching whale tail diaper cover) as the next piece in this classy collection. All the other babies are going to want to bone your baby. Perfect.

Leopard print onesie. Babies R Us says that with this clothing line, mom-and-baby matching outfits are a breeze. I can't wait for my leopard print onesie to show up in the mail. You laugh, but it's not like the adult onesie isn't already in fashion via the adult jumper and adult footie pajamas. Three-button adult crotch opening is the next obvious step. Those Kardashians, always just ahead of the curve. (Or on a sex tape.)

Leatherette panel leggings and black biker jacket. The pants are skintight, and the jacket "features faux stud details, making the statement piece edgy, yet safe for everyday use." Oh, thank God it's safe for everyday use. In this black leatherette outfit, your baby is sure to fuck shit up. She'll probably start her own gang, making money for rent by selling expired Cheerios (aka baby crack cocaine) to all her ne'er-do-well baby friends.

Everyone knows that a sexy baby is the best kind of baby. Enjoy this time while you have it -- before you know it, your leatherette-d bundle of dump will be an adult with daddy issues.

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Alice Laussade writes about food, kids, music, and anything else she finds to be completely ridiculous. She created and hosts the Dallas event, Meat Fight, which is a barbecue competition and fundraiser that benefits the National MS Society. Last year, the event raised $100,000 for people living with MS, and 750 people could be seen shoving sausage links into their faces. And one time, she won a James Beard Award for Humor in Writing. That was pretty cool.
Contact: Alice Laussade