Does Clown College Offer Contortion 101 ... Online?

Those smug clowns have it all figured out: If someone looks pouty, they slap them in the face with a pie. If the rest of the world operated like that, it would be a better one.

Less wallowing. More pie. BAM! Universal joy.

While Lone Star Circus School doesn't offer a class in Abuse Through Pastry (must be taken concurrently with lab: Giant Shoes/Tiny Car, a course in paradox), it does prepare students for a multitude of other circus-based fundamentals.

The new season kicks off this week and everything from juggling to contortion is represented. (Note: The contortion class is the only one billed as "all ages." Children are as bendy as long-wilted root vegetables; you are not. If you don't want to feel bad about yourself, perhaps try juggling.)

All other classes keep kids and adults on separate sides of the tent, so there's no fear of being upstaged by a braggart first-grader during Beginner Circus Skills.

Today, adults can attend the previously mentioned Contortion from 6 to 7 p.m., or real showboats can jump straight into Adult Intermediate Skills (credits unlikely to transfer) from 6 to 7:30 p.m.

Not feeling so "Intermediate?"

Wanna take things slow?

Wait until Saturday for the entry-level adult course. After all, you have to learn to walk in giant, floppy shoes before you can run. And you don't have to worry about being behind the rest of the class: Enrollment for this semester just began yesterday. And drop-ins are welcome, regardless.

Do visit the Lone Star Circus School's website for the entire schedule and to download the appropriate forms. And remember, It isn't circus college if you don't have to sign a waiver.

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