Arts & Culture News

Dolly Python's "Bitchy Stitches" Tell Your Grandmother What She Can Do With Her Crochet Needles

Your grandmother may have been a kind, sweet person with nothing but a need to see their grandchildren happy. But just because she got old and turned into the sweet, pious person you knew, doesn't mean she couldn't blow a fuse and let loose on some poor bastard who probably couldn't understand why Ma Kettle was verbally tearing their soul a new a-hole.

At least that's my theory for why my grandmother spent so much time crocheting and knitting. It's better to put all that rage towards something productive. Occasionally, Grandma would dip into her "rickets medicine" before picking up her crochet needles and she'd crank out a keepsake that wasn't meant to go on the family portrait wall unless someone in the portrait got on Grandma's bad side.

The oddball vintage store Dolly Python found someone who makes just such a keepsake. Molly Wilt calls her creations "Bitchy Stitches" under the umbrella of her arts and crafts outfit: Anal Probe Hearts. The one we posted above is perhaps the cleanest of the group and even the most cheerful. You'll have to check out the other phrases Wilt chose to stitch into place. Of course, they're for sale for the angry, elderly cynic in your life, or perhaps the cranky bitch living in your soul. You'll probably come up with a great place to hang them and we mean a wall and not one of your fellow human being's more uncomfortable orifices because that's technically called "assault."

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Danny Gallagher has been a regular contributor to the Dallas Observer since 2014. He has also written features, essays and stories for MTV, the Chicago Tribune, Maxim, Cracked, Mental_Floss, The Week, CNET and The Onion AV Club.