Do not fret, Dallas and surrounding burbs: The Observer used its highly advanced taco doppler technology to conduct predictive Cinco de Mayo party research. Our data shows that there is a 23 percent chance of hangover on Saturday, but that will increase throughout the weekend, culminating into a 90 percent probability on Monday morning, coupled with a strong likelihood of Phone-In-Sick precipitation. Consider wearing layers.
Now, let's party. I'll see you out there. (I'll be the one inexplicably yelling at the tequila.)
Cinco de Miler Dallas (Saturday) -- Get your workout in early on Saturday so you can have a guilt-free Sunday hangover, and do it in great company at Cinco de Miler, the only race in town that features mariachis cheering you toward the finish line. The goodie bag looks dope, all of the money raised goes to Ronald McDonald House and there's a post-race fiesta where your first beer, churro, chips and salsa and breakfast burritos are on the house.
Enchilada's Enchilada-eating Contest (Saturday) -- I hear there's a romantic tropical vacation going to the winner of this annual event. To be fair, the victor will probably require one if they want their spouse to see them as a sexual creature again, after vomiting enchilada goo all over the stage. You might still be able to register for this Greenville Avenue challenge. (try: firstname.lastname@example.org) The shake-down starts at 1 p.m.
Suckfest at the Grapevine (Saturday) -- While it's true that this isn't technically a Cinco de Mayo specific party, it is most wonderfully named party happening this weekend in Dallas. At Suckfest, a suggested $5 charitable donation at the door gets you free crawfish and barbecue, plus the Grapevine's unbelievably budget-savvy happy hour prices until 7 p.m. Possibly the most enticing thing about Suckfest is its "Jell-O shots for charity" component, which means children somewhere will suffer if you don't inhale that booze jiggle. Be a good human and take five for the team. The party runs until 2 a.m.
Cinco de Mayo Dallas in Oak Cliff (Saturday) -- It's the 23rd Annual Dallas Cinco de Mayo Parade and Fiesta in Oak Cliff, so head over early for a good seat. Desfile en la Calle Jefferson starts at 11 a.m. but tailgating, DJs prize booths and the rest run well into the evening.
Random Gossip (Saturday AND Sunday) -- Lucha Libre USA's PR folks have confirmed that their official Mexican Wrestling squad will be here, slammin' for Fiesta Dallas. They've only said that its happening on Saturday and Sunday and will be free to watch. I'm still waiting on links and locations, so check back for updates.
Hacienda on Henderson (Saturday) -- A little more Cuatro than Cinco is Saturday's Hacienda on Henderson. DJ Moody presses out the musical juice early, beginning at noon, while bands flip the amps on outside at 3. The whole thing culminates in a sweaty ode to Dallas when Sober takes the tables at 10:30. There's also a photobooth, drink specials, games, giveaways and more.
Party at the Sandbar (Sunday) -- Dig your toes in the sand at Sunday's Cinco de Mayo volleyball tournament, or just chill hard with Sandbar's Corona specials, DJ, beer pong tournament and prize giveaways. It's a slightly less rowdy alternative with lots of great people-watching.
Primo's Uptown presents Cinco de Drinko (Saturday AND Sunday) -- The Primo's parking lot party is a Dallas must-do, and this year brings a double-decker of drunk. That means you have two days to make an ass of yourself thanks to sweet, delicious, mischievous tequila. Starting at 2 p.m. on Saturday, camp out under the party tent and hear live music, then hop on either the mariachi party bus or the Jager trike (???). On Sunday, Primo's kicks back with a 93.3 FM radio broadcast and drink specials. No matter which day you go, you'll find "Trying Te-kill-ya" Jell-O shots for $3.
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Mattito's Uptown and Frisco (Sunday) -- The party purists at Mattito's refuse to bend to accommodate your work schedule. Lord bless 'em. Cinco de Mayo is on Sunday, and so is Mattito's annual celebration, featuring the most disgusting competitive food challenge of the year: The Mattito's queso-eating contest. Add on the zipline rides, mechanical bull and tequila sampling and you might as well declare Monday sickness, now. (The cheese gulping starts at 7 p.m., the rest of the party runs all day.) Tres de Mayo at Ku De Ta (Friday) -- It's the ultimate social experiment. On Friday night the swanky poolside crew of Ku throws a joint party with the bro-friendly crowd at Three Sheets and the mystery client base of new neighbors Southern Comforts. DO NOT PANIC, if anything can keep this scene from getting awkward it's the inclusion of livestock: Tres De Mayo boasts "live music, photographers and a donkey."
5th Annual Cinco De Mustache at the Curtain Club (Saturday) -- This yearly celebration of rootsy Americana and facial hair turns tribute when 2013's installment honors the man behind the event -- the wax to the party 'stache, if you will -- Clint Waycaster. His legacy will be celebrated through the music of Meridian, Dead Flowers, Paco Estrada and others. There will also be an art auction with proceeds going to a Waycaster family charity of choice. Whack prize-filled pinatas and snag a stick-on 'stache: it's what Clint would want.
Cinco de Mayo at Dada (Sunday) -- More show than party, this cast of misfits isn't afraid to drop rock on a Sunday. There's music by Red Like Heat, Pageantry, New York City Queens and Bethan. Bryan Street Tavern (Saturday) -- There's a heavy hand of competitive eating happening across Dallas this weekend, but Bryan Street's battle is the only one that requires participants sign a medical waiver. Cluck-You-Up dares our hungriest citizens to go beak-to-beak for chicken wing-eating victory. Bryan Street says their sauce is so hot that only 18 and up may legally participate. Everyone else can daintily enjoy $2 Coronas, Dos Equis and Tecates, $4 Sauza Margaritas $1 well tequila shots and $2 tacos. Live music begins at 9 p.m.
Urban Taco, Uptown (Saturday) -- You call the hangover during Urban's bash: The tequila hideaway is offering five different specialty drinks for $5. Absorb them with $2 street tacos and specially priced paletas. Also, mariachi!