Eleven Programming Ideas for D-TV, D Magazine's New TV Station

D Magazine announced yesterday that it will team up with the local TV station KTXD and rebrand it D-TV.

The new station will continue to broadcast KTXD's current offerings, including the news show The Texas Daily and the lifestyle show Texas Living, which will be renamed D Living. It will also produce a new morning talk show "in the spirit of The View," with Tim Rogers presumably playing the role of dreadlocked Lesbian comic.

But that will only fill up half the day. Here are some suggestions for how to fill the rest of it.

Most Beautiful Women vs. Best Doctors: A Real World-Road Rules-style competition reality show, shot on location in exotic locales like Garland and that one parking deck on Main Street that's always empty.

Simek's Survival: D Magazine Arts Critic Peter Simek becomes an unlikely candidate for wildlife exploration as he is dropped into nature's depths and forced to fight his way out. Will his delicate aesthetic sensibilities and shiny loafers protect him from rattlesnakes, bear attacks and the sinister world of poisonous plants? Tune in on Tuesdays, at 1:30 p.m., to find out that they won't.

DHQ: Live! In which Tim Rogers runs around the office excitedly sharing mundane facts about D's offices and pointing out all the hot ladies you can see from the window.

Night Court. That show's underrated, don't you think?

Male Grooming with Mike Mooney. (Running time: 24 seconds.)

The Process, starring Zac Crain. The Process follows Crain as he decides how to fill the back page of D's monthly magazine. Over 15 90-minute groundbreaking episodes, viewers will watch Crain as he sleeps, eats, naps, showers, searches for jobs at various defunct basketball magazines, slowly poisons Tim Rogers' coffee, and naps again, all on his way to filling the magazine's back page with some variation of the dream he had during Nap No. 1.

Beehive Nancy, featuring food critic Nancy Nichols reporting live every morning from inside a massive room filled with bees.

Cut and Run, a "Wipeout"-type, team-oriented physical endurance challenge for plastic surgeons and their clients.

Bonanza. Wait, you already have Bonanza?

Wicko Ali Soon's Personal Grandeur Road to Riches: Wicko Ali Soon, the famous Nigerian King of Magazine Investment Infomercials, will delight, transport and astound you as he explains in his amazing and astonishing three-hour infomercial how you, too, can get rich in your underwear by investing in the famous Wicko Ali Soon line of magazines named after the alphabet, all of which which will gladly publish stories about your personal grandeur, which will cause you to become wealthy beyond your wildest and most obscene imaginings.

Houses: Four hours of slow-fading house fronts set to Enya's "Sail Away."

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