With Father's Day poking its head around the corner, scrambling to find that gift that fits Dad perfectly comes with lots of pressure. Don't be that ungrateful kid rushing to snag a Home Depot gift card at the last minute; Dad hates it when you drive recklessly anyway. No, just move that mouse or dial a few digits this weekend and rest assured that the man who reared you will be receiving nothing he would ever actually ask for.
Oh, and remember: A homemade card isn't acceptable after age 9 and only crappy, torn ones are left when you stop by the card aisle on the way to meet Pops for lunch.
But never fear, child. We have a list of gifts that are sure to satisfy a variety of fathers and their interests:
Narcissist Dad: Personalized "I Am A Stuffed Animal" Buddy If your father spends hours gazing at himself in the mirror, loves the sound of his own voice or just thinks he's damn good looking, this is the gift for him. Just send a photo of Dad to iamastuffedanimal.com and they will do the rest. This gift costs $77, but who can put a price on timeless beauty?
Romantic/Creeper Dad: Hidden Message Tie During lunch in elementary school, if you were one of the lucky ones to receive a note in from Daddy in your paper sack wishing you a good day, it's time to return the favor. Drop a line on the personalized paper hearts, tuck it in to the back of this tie and wait for the big guy to discover your sweet sentiment.
Cannibalistic Dad: Personalized m&ms of the Family If you've caught Dad glaring at you while subconsciously licking his lips, give him a break with personalized m&ms, featuring a picture of you, the two of you or the entire family...or himself, if you really want to send a message.
Drinking-Buff Dad: Scotch Selection at The Second Floor Bistro The Second Floor at the Westin Galleria, 13340 Dallas Parkway, is providing you with opportunity to impress Dad and his expensive taste. The bistro offers more than 100 malt varieties, ranging from the Jameson to the Macallan. To reserve a spot for a day full of drinking, call 972-450-2978. If you also plan on drinking with your old man, you might want to schedule a cab ride too.
Uptight Dad Who Funds Your Shopping Sprees: Ferris Bueller's Day Off While there is no random musical number on a float, surrounded by women in skanky dirndl outfits, this gig is still pretty sweet. For $1,500, Platinum Motorcars is hooking Daddy Warbucks up with a Ferrari 430 Berlinetta, two tickets to a Rangers game and two tickets to the DMA for a day. To book him a day off from life, call 469-374-9090 or visit platinummotorcars.net.
Paranoid Dad: Outdoor Research Sentinel Brim Hat This one was made for the dads who are allergic to nature and wear a healthy portion of sunscreen on their nose. This hat is sure to keep his OCD in check. The topper features an insect shield, discouraging pests from entering his facial sanctuary.
Hipster Dad: Retro-style Music Players Time to break out the dusty milk crates full of timeless vinyl. This MAC and PC compatible turntable has the function of transferring Dad's LPs to his iTunes list. Or if he prefers something tangible and wants to relive the glory days, he can keep the needle on the record. Bonus: You could probably borrow this whenever you want.
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John Wayne Dad: Beer and Booze Holster After you've taken Dad to see Red River that Friday, he'll probably be ready for a quick draw or swig, and this holster accommodates he who desires a cup holder attached to his leg. The holster clips to any belt, comes with a handy adjustable thigh strap and promises to give Dad the quickest hand in the Wild West.
Geek-at-Heart Dad: Death Star Cookie Jar Dude, he is your father. Star Wars action figures? Check. Star Wars Collection on Blu-ray? Check. Delicious homemade Yoda cookies? Check. Give those cookies a home with this one-of-a-kind jar. It's not just a conversation starter, but it's also a collectible -- there is a method to the madness.
Easily Excitable Dad: Emergency Underpants Dispenser Now Pops doesn't have to worry about getting overly excited when his team wins or when he closes that big deal at work. This emergency system provides him with five pairs of briefs that come in a nifty tissue-style box. If Dad's embarrassed about his condition, throw in a nice masculine cross-stitched tissue box cover. You could save your patriarch some dignity for less than a sawbuck.