There was a dark period in my life a few years ago when my days consisted of work, classes, writing and not much else, and my nights were packed full of the saddest event known to modern humans: the Internet date. If you've never been on a dating website, if you have a spouse or a social life or self-respect, then let me set the scene for you. Internet dating websites are digital markets full of sad sacks trying to sell you on their "laid-back personalties" and "love of the outdoors." Seriously, according to these sites, everyone is constantly napping in a hammock somewhere.
You see people's pictures (behind several filters), read a few paragraphs about them (this is where "laid back" comes in) and see what they're looking for (it's never you). And underneath every profile lingers the sad truth that, hey, we're on a dating website; our lives are shit. But at the very least, those endless months of shitty first dates have given me some stories.
In order from "I really need to get my life together" to "I think I may try lesbianism," here are my five worst Internet dates.