Gift Ideas: In Futile Search of your Dad's Love

Art is Art posted a little reminder yesterday evening on Facebook that there are only two days left to scrounge up some last minute goods for the favorite father figure in your life. What do dads even like? Bill O'Reilly and steak, probably. Maybe a meat basket, if you want to get fancy and shit.

Look, there are a few ways to get your old man's stony ticker all melty. Art is Art says "Dads like these watches!" Good start, good start. We've got some more ideas to make it happen.

According to people who make shit up, there are a few things that define manhood: driving cars, scratching balls, fighting wars, yelling at the TV, shaving faces. But, also according to real life men who say things to me, there's a special pleasure in having a dude swipe a straight razor around your neck at The Art of Shaving. Sounds kind of kinky, but who am I to judge: I get hot wax poured on my crotch on a regular basis. If you've got dough, you can drop it on a $200+ straight razor for dear ol' dad (and, a "strop" which is just fun to say), or you can set him up at Northpark for a little "let someone else handle this shit" me time.

If you've ever read a book by Ernest Hemingway, you know too that dudes drink almost as much as they fight and fuck. Dolly Python boasted this incredible in every way imaginable "war" flask back in January, and while I can't promise someone hasn't already tapped that, I can show you over to their most recent liquor-related steals. If your pops is the hands-on type, drop in Homebrew Headquarters and pick out some DIY goodies. Or, damn, just go drink a Peticolas on a patio at Beerfeast 2012.

Another good way to make your dad forget that you have a master's in philosophy is by checking out the Father's Day Car Show at Town East Mall in Mesquite. The event is free, but they are taking canned food donations to benefit Mesquite Social Services, which is pretty rad. There's an Elvis impersonator, which seemed a little odd for a dad's day event (mom's already got the car running), but we figured there were "Step in the Ring with the King" fistfights or something. Gave a call, none such luck. But, you can check out the bitchin' rides.

Since your dad probably has a lot of stupid ties, you could head over to Curiosities in Lakewood and check out miscellany that will remind your dad of a time when he did stuff like killing wolves with his mind and digging ditches for four days straight before your whiny ass came along and he had to get a job in Corporate America.

Or, get him sweatpants. That's what he really wants.

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Brentney Hamilton