He Who Steals My Mom Purse Steals a Buttload of Chapsticks and Baby Wipes. Dummies.

Dearest Butt Faces Who Broke into My Car at White Rock Lake Last Week,

When you broke the windows of my car (I was parked on Lawther by the stone tables), just like you've done to five other cars at the lake this month, according to police reports, and stole my purse from under the front seat of the car while I was strollering for 20 minutes at the lake in the middle of the day, you didn't just steal a purse. You turds stole my Mom purse.

The difference between my Mom purse and a regular purse is about 30 lbs. on a weekday. (On a weekend, it's more like 32 lbs., because of the added weight of a fifth of Jack Daniel's.) The Mom purse holds everything I need to survive with two kids in the wild.

If you cut yourself jumping through my window to steal stuff, there are ample bandages and Neosporin in there to fix you right up. Oh, and if you were low on potassium after the thieving, I hope you helped yourself to the perfect banana. Do you have tiny baby feet? Sweet! There are at least two pairs of baby socks in there. So, sock it up! It's like Sock Christmas up in my Mom purse! Are you fair-skinned? Oh my God, me too! We have so much in common. Look in the side pocket for some sunscreen. It's there. And it's great. Good coverage, no greasy residue. You'll love it.

I'm not super mad you stole my stuff. It's just stuff. I was about to go No Country For Old Men Crazy Bad Guy With Weird Hair mad for a minute, because my Q-Card was in there and "HOW AM I GOING TO GET DISCOUNTS ON BARBECUE NOW, YOU VAGINAS?!" But then I remembered again that it's all just stuff.

You're still butt faces for doing this. And a part of me does kinda hope that your faces that are butts get a little face diarrhea or at least a face shart from eating the expired Clif bar that was in there. It won't be a big deal, because you can use the baby wipes and antibacterial soap in the back pocket for cleanup, but it'll still suck a little. Which seems fair, since you are thieves.

But a bigger part of me figures you just really needed five different kinds of Chapstick. So, now that you have it, treat it well. And whatever you do, don't take it to the lake and leave it in your car. I hear there are thief-types there who will steal your crap.

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