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Ho Ho No, The Holidays Are Great, But These 10 Traditions Aren't

We're 12 years into the 21st century and still doing holiday things that would make the 1990s shudder. Here's a list of things we, as a nation, need to knock the eff off.

1. Car Antlers Let's go ahead an toss car wreaths and humorous Santa body parts in the radiator grill in here too. Here's a hint: Don't buy you holiday decorations at the same car wash that sold you those truck nuts.

2. Elf on the Shelf A smug little holiday snitch who spies on kids an reports back to Santa? All I want for Christmas is a shiv.

3. Parents who participate in Elf on the Shelf and Facebook it. The only faster way to get yourself hidden is to post a gender reveal picture.

4. Ugly Sweater Parties "Oh look, it's a dead horse. Let's beat it."

5. Carolers Cheesy Christmas music on the elevator at work. Cheesy Christmas jingles in ads on the radio driving from work. Cheesy Christmas music in the store in the PA where I'm buying a 12-pack. Back in car to home. More jingles. Turn on TV, more cheese. Yeah, come to my door and sing. I dare you.

6. Looking at Lights If I want to drive extremely slowly and look at long lines of twinkling lights, I'll just head down the tollway, thanks.

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7. Canning Jars Filled With Ingredients "Here I got you something, it's more trouble than it's worth and will likely taste terrible. You probably won't be poisoned much, though."

8. Office Secret Santa You know you're just going to get the weirdo that knitted you a stuffed animal out of human hair.

9. A Donation Made in Your Honor Why thank you! And to return the favor, I'm making one in your honor to NAMBLA.

10. White Elephant Gift Parties Just give a single match and a five-dollar bill because that's pretty much what's happening here.

Keep the Dallas Observer Free... Since we started the Dallas Observer, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Dallas, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Dallas with no paywalls.

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Join the Observer community and help support independent local journalism in Dallas.

 

Join the Observer community and help support independent local journalism in Dallas.