LGBTQ

How Cold Is It? Here's A Handy Chart, Dallas.

It's been cold in Dallas lately. Because: winter. And based on the screenshots of the 10-day forecast clogging up the Facebook Newsfeed, you're all starting to have a collective pants-crap about the fact that it's not 110°F with a heat index of Shit Steam anymore. I get it. Icemageddon drive-by-boned this city and we're all still a little freaked out and skittish. But you gotta stop saying it's "SOOOO FUCKING COLD OUTSIDE," when it's 50°F.

In an effort to ensure that we're all describing The Dallas Cold accurately, I've included this handy How Cold Is It? table for your convenience. (Disclaimer: These descriptions are appropriate for use in Dallas. If you use this table in Minnesota, they'll laugh in your face and punch you in the penis.)

Still have questions about The Dallas Cold, including, but not limited to: At what temperature do fake boobs freeze? And what the fuck is a wind chill, anyway? Great. Here are answers:

Wind Chill: Many formulas exist for determining wind chill. DFW's wind chill is determined by blindfolding Pete Delkus, taking his pants off outside and then asking his balls what the temperature is. Whatever number his balls scream is the wind chill factor.

Girl Cold: It's that pretend cold, when your girlfriend needs a hoodie, but you don't. See: NorthPark Mall Movie Theater.

28°F: This is the freezing point for fake boobs. When it's 28°F in Dallas, it might not be Eat-Your-Friend's-Butt-Off Cold just yet, but you won't see any fake boobs braving the outdoors -- at least, not without a triple-insulated ski jacket with a fur hoodie, North Face earmuffs, eight thoughtfully layered pairs of yoga pants and riding boots in case a Tauntaun is the only cab available. Dallas women may look like they overdress for the cold, but it's all just smart, calculated preservation of the honkers. Believe it: Any chick with fakies has at least three weather apps on her phone, just in case.

How to stay warm: Every time you see a screenshot of a weather forecast on Facebook, take a shot of vodka to keep you warm. It's like Drought Drunk, but frozen-er. Stay FB friends with your aunt. She's awesome for this.

When to hide in a bunker: If David Finfrock ever shows up 'stacheless, we're all going to die in a frozen Zhivago icefuckbomb. Seek all the shelter.

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Alice Laussade writes about food, kids, music, and anything else she finds to be completely ridiculous. She created and hosts the Dallas event, Meat Fight, which is a barbecue competition and fundraiser that benefits the National MS Society. Last year, the event raised $100,000 for people living with MS, and 750 people could be seen shoving sausage links into their faces. And one time, she won a James Beard Award for Humor in Writing. That was pretty cool.
Contact: Alice Laussade