Alice Column

If We're Spending $1 Million to Upgrade a Dog Park, Let's Do it Dallas Style

White Rock's dog park is getting a $1 million renovation, and I can't wait to see it. They're talking about reworking the "dog launch" that goes into the lake, which appears to be just a manufactured shallow end of the lake, but maybe they're making it into a dog catapult? Fingers crossed. Plus, we hear they're going to add some sweet-ass benches. And for a million bucks, you know those benches are fancy. I just hope they don't get rid of the eau de 8,000 gracklecrapvomit. I would hate for this dog park to lose its identity completely.

With all that money, this place is about to get a serious upgrade. I bet the benches will have fluffy fake-sheltie-furred captain's chairs attached to them with dog-water-holder paw rests. Ooh, and a dog-paddle-up bar, with water that's only backwards-dog-elbow deep. Cats will be behind the bar, all jealous that they don't have a cat park (not that they would be caught dead at a cat park, since cats obviously prefer speakeasies, but cats need something to be jealous and bitchy about), wearing cat vests and muddling shit. Yes, literally. Dogs love shit. (Locally sourced, non-GMO, of course.)

And all the stuff at the park will be human-baby-friendly, too. Because when you get down to it, there's really no difference between babies and dogs. Think about it: Dogs and babies both love barking at cars, chewing on furniture, eating socks and sniffing boobs. Come to think of it, the place will be adult-drunk friendly, too, just by nature.

It'll be glorious: drunks and dogs running free and pissing everywhere with their handlers semi-nearby and mostly ignoring them. Babies proudly running out of the water with half-dead nutria in their baby mouths and broken beer bottles in their baby hands.

And if dogs start drinking too much shit (as they are wont to do) and things start looking like they're about to get out of hand (everyone knows when dogs get shit-drunk, they start talking real racist stuff about cats, which causes the cats to rip off their earrings and start mauling bitches), Texas Parks & Wildlife SWAT will descend upon the park in their standard-issue pug parachutes to regulate.

Because, not only are we actually spending a million of someone's dollars on a dog park, but we also really actually have a 25-man SWAT team unit for our state parks. I'm not judging, I'm just hoping everyone has the proper pink-poodle camo and matching fanny packs filled with paleo dog treats. Because if we're going to do this shit, let's whole-ass it.

See also: White Rock's Dog Park is Getting a $1 Million Redo, but First, Why Are There None in Southern Dallas?

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Alice Laussade writes about food, kids, music, and anything else she finds to be completely ridiculous. She created and hosts the Dallas event, Meat Fight, which is a barbecue competition and fundraiser that benefits the National MS Society. Last year, the event raised $100,000 for people living with MS, and 750 people could be seen shoving sausage links into their faces. And one time, she won a James Beard Award for Humor in Writing. That was pretty cool.
Contact: Alice Laussade