James Franco is in the area today, serving as Keynote speaker for the UT Arlington graduating class of 2012 at the Levitt Pavilion, in Arlington. The fest looks major, with fireworks, music and a bunch of other stuff that will distract the group of scholars from the dismal job market and their impending student loan repayments. We have to wonder though, "What wisdom will Franco impart on the youth of today? How will he raise their spirits, instil hope and educate them on the ways of the world?" He's an actor.
We sent our spies out to do a little recon. They came back, surprisingly, with the outline for Franco's graduation speech.
(Applause applause. Shake hair, rub palm over face, award smile. Toss panties back at crowd. "Suma cum laude" joke, and begin.)
Dear Class of 2012,
I know that you have a long road ahead of you, one fraught with demonic economic battles, challenging employment opportunities and lots and lots of ladies. (wait for screaming and applause to cease, smile aa--a-and wink!) But in my career, I too have encountered difficult situations and I hope that by sharing what I've learned it will ease your load as well.
1.) When Stuck Between a Rock and a Hard Place, You Will Have To Drink Your Own Urine. In my role as a rock-climbing ladies' man in 127 Hours, I learned what it's like to truly be in a pickle. All I can say is this: Don't Wait 127 Hours. Break your arm, drink your piss, whatever it takes to get as far away from that terrible rocky perch that you are unfairly trapped in -- be it a marriage, a job you don't like or a child that you never took a shining to. Just get it over with; it'll only get worse. 2.) Never Trust "Spidey Sense" Freestyle: Ramble on about the unfair labels of "good" and "evil," remind them that nobody likes spiders and that robots are rad.
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3.) Sometimes You Will Fail Two words: Your Highness.
4.) Stoners Will Prevail Indulge the audience in general life lessons from Pineapple Express: friends are good, weed is great and don't trust cops.
-- Raise arms high like Obama. Shake amazing hair. Shout: "Party at the moontower!" because you're in Texas. End scene.