Most Eligible Dallas made its triumphant televised return on Monday after taking a week off for reasons I know not but support nonetheless. So, I'll first offer up last night's headlines, for those who can't stomach the play-by-play: Drew smokes cigarettes determinedly; Matt makes fun of his own bald spot; Courtney dresses down and DRIVES TO FORT WORTH. (To sabotage a relationship, mind you, but that's still far.)
Anyone left? Watch what happened.
Scene 1: We join the DIFFA drama from Episode 4 in progress. Drew has just unleashed his sensitive anger on Courtney to her bemusement, and Matt searches frantically for Neill as she dances the night away with Glenn. All downhill from there. Despite Courtney's panicked effort to relate on a, like, human level, and Tara's noble intervention, Drew's hissy devolves into a beef. Courtney's giant Chanel relaxed-fit dog collar remains unaffected.
When Matt finds Neill in mid-joke with G-man, he jerks her away, grabs a couple goody bags and reprimands her all the way to the car. "I don't wanna hold you up, man," he tells her. "Do your thing ... walk out with Glenn." Neill's pissed. "I've never seen Matt act like this," she says in cutaway. He apologizes in the Mattmobile, but it might take a few dozen roses and a vat of Starbucks to achieve complete redemption.
Scene 2: The sun rises on the city of Dallas, and Courtney awaits Drew at Breadwinners "so we can just sit down and hash this out like adults." With camera crews!
Drew arrives, gives Court icy shoulder until she finds the inner strength to bring up their DIFFA tiff(a). Drew reasserts that he's felt shunned by Courtney since this magical group experience began. Cutaway Court is taken aback: "Apparently he's been letting these feelings MARINADE like a frickin 24-hour brisket on the stove. [Nervous giggle.]"
But they agree that the whole thing was a misunderstanding, she pulls out her best Ari Gold catchphrase, and they're off to their respective existences.
Scene 3: Tara has a businesswoman conversation at her very home-y office, where she's the VP of sales for her family's electronic business. But, instead of worrying about the fact that "the government isn't giving our factories power," she's experiencing a high-level of concern for a pooch who needs stealin'. That's right, she's brought in Drew to help her rescue a dog from its problem home, with or without the owner's blessing. I check to make sure I haven't accidentally switched to Animal Planet. Nope, still on the dating show. Where are they going with this?
Scene 4: PAWS IN THE CITY, TARTS ON THE TROLLEY
4a. Courtney sits on a park bench and calls Matt to tell him she's waiting on a date to pick her up. It's important that he knows this. She's going out with a friend of future design guru and personal bestie Amber Venz (who's apparently advised Court to rock a Justin Timberlake hat on this day-date). An international model man with an unrecognizable accent picks her up; they're headed for an awkward ride on the McKinney Avenue Trolley. She's also invited Amber and another chick to join them for padding. Harumph! Guess this approach is OK when Matt's not concerned.
4b. Tara and Drew drive around what seems to be East Dallas, to check out the location of the neglected pet. Drew's cutaway calls it the "ghet-to."
4c. Court and the South African hunkadoo talk on the trolley. She's hopeful about his chances. "Maybe 45 millionth time is a charm," she says in cutaway. Her girlfriends join them to drink on the trolley, take a tour of Uptown and make jokes about the log ride at Six Flags. It's all very pleasant.
4d. Drew and Tara arrive at the dog's home to the soundtrack of America's Most Wanted. The owner's not there, so they decide to break in and steal the critter. But there's one o' them fancy fences in the way!
4e. The trolley party has made its way to Trophy Room, where a mechanical bull's back is the best seat on the porch. So, in teams, they ride said bull. If only every date were this easy and possibly storyboarded.
4f. "Operation Beaver Snatch!" Drew shouts to no one in particular, hoping to set a worldwide-trending hashtag one day. But he's got a ciggy in his mouth when he says it, so it sounds more like "Operation Bieber Snatch," something exponentially more disturbing. Anyway, he's bringing the big tools from Tara's trunk to cut some fencin' away and save this doggy in distress. Tara discovers the animal in an enclosed, boarded area that's defined by "the stench of urine." Dog removed and safe in the car, she leaves a card on the owner's door to let them know that, indeed, they got got. Wouldn't it be funny if the card were pink and scented?
4g. Courtney's date ends on a positive note, with a cute between-car smooch. They agree to see each other again.
Scene 5: Tara, Courtney, Matt and Glenn walk at snail's pace on the Katy Trail. Courtney tells Matt, er, everyone that she kissed her South African prince. Matt puts a kibosh on the kissing talk, tries to ignore the camera guy's thumbs up. Glenn announces, minutes after staring openly at passing asses, that an ex-girlfriend will be visiting him soon. Oh, Glenn, great news for you, blah-de-blah.
Scene 6: Glenn takes the Pakulak Cadillac to pick up Rebecca, this girl whom he used to bang on the regular. They flirt all the way back to his pad, calling each other "babe" entirely too much.
Scene 7: Drew calls up side-character Daylon to tell him of his plan to wine and dine ex-boyfriend Cody. "He's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with," Drew admits, quite genuinely, in cutaway. So this dinner, this dinner is important. Thing is, Cody enters the scene with news of his own at the ready. He's moving to New York to go to design school ... for three years. Drew's authentic, horror-stricken face is forced to deliver polite congratulations. He goes back home and sucks down a cig while calling Daylon to brief him on the premature heartbreak. Bookends.
Scene 8: DATING TRIUMVIRATE OF FATE
8a. Tara rides with now-exclusive beau Jody Dean to a shindig at Billy Bob's. The first thing we notice is the absence of his soul patch. Turns out it's the topic of their banter. "I had no idea that my lower lip was the subject of so many conversations," he jokes, defeated.
8b. Glenn takes Whatsername to a cooking lesson at Dude, Sweet Chocolate. He makes sexist jokes, she coos.
8c. Matt calls up Neill in advance of their date, says he's trying to make do with "what little hair I've got left on my head." Self-awareness creeping in. The player's growing up, right there on screen.
8d. Jody and Tara get to Billy Bob's. He introduces a 10-gallon hat into the shot, and then -- yes, yes, yes -- Courtney arrives. She's there on Tara's behalf to properly take Jody through the paces, break him down in order to build him up. We've been waiting for this scene all season. But first, another encounter with a mechanical bull.
8e. Glenn makes a "that's what she said" joke concerning the chocolate balls they're rolling at Dude, Sweet.
8f. Matt and Neill arrive for a private dinner at The Commissary, greet much discussed chef John Tesar. (Could he be a Bravo-lebrity in the making?) But, sadly, Tesar takes a back seat here to the scene's romantic-date purpose. They eat grass-fed beef.
8g. "There's something about Jody that I'm not sold on," Courtney says in cutaway, as she prepares to give him the third-degree at Billy Bob's. "I'm gonna, freakin', Inspector Gadget Jody."
8h. Glenn continues to rekindle old flames in his pre-intercourse rooftop space.
8i. Neill and Matt talk about their childhoods. Cutaway Matt says he can't get enough of her.
8j. After gagging during a Tara-Jody peck, Courtney questions her friend's cowboy about children. Does he want more? He says he could go either way. Knowing he's in the hot seat, he leaves to go to the bathroom, sweat in the mirror and fix his collar while yelling "STUPID!" But the damage is done.Tara is now questioning Jody's long-term potential. Courtney says to herself, "And THAT'S how it's done."
8k. Glenn. Rooftop. Blah.
8l. Matt tells Neill he wants to meet Maje. Shockingly, no other women ever arrive at the restaurant.
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Scene 9: Bravo quickie. Glenn and Matt hit the gym. Tanning and laundry were cut from the production budget.
Scene 10: Neill and Maje hang out with her Loretta-Lynn-lookin' mom, talk about the date with Matt.
Scene 11: Cutaway Courtney announces that she has a key to Matt's house as we see her use her key to Matt's house to get in and start a platonic dinner. He enters the dwelling with a "Honey, I'm home," and they play house. She gets in a few not-so-sly digs at Neill, and they end up play-kissing. No romance to be found there, though. Wah wah.