A new aspect of the 20th season of Dancing With The Stars is the viewers at home can watch a livestream of each of the couples practicing throughout the day.
Congratulations, you have enough time to waste to watch an actual dance rehearsal that isn't your 4-year-old daughter! Personally, I want to murder myself.
I made it 11 minutes in to Derek Hough and Plano native and Olympic gymnast Nastia Liukin's hour-long practice and please, someone give me a treat. I kept waiting for one of them to get really mad and throw something or for Nastia to start speaking Russian or for something to catch on fire. But that didn't happen. At all. Derek tried to entertain the viewers by talking in different accents and saying things like "balls" when he messed up, while Nastia just wandered around hopelessly, trying to figure out how exactly to dance the damn Foxtrot.
From all of my extensive research and viewing on YouTube, I am certain the Foxtrot is just a lot of bouncing around in big skirts and long coats. You spend hours each day practicing bouncing until you can perfectly bounce on beat. But during Monday night's routine, there were high kicks (I guess Derek's new gig with The Radio City Rockettes wore off on him) and a backflip thing at the end BECAUSE OF COURSE DEREK MADE NASTIA DO A BACKFLIP.
But everyone knows you don't do lifts in the Foxtrot, Derek. You should freaking know that. You've been on this show
longer than God's existence (15 seasons), so you should know those old traditional judges will shit a brick if you do anything remotely entertaining for the viewers at home. Listen here, little Derek: Just because you're running around with Plano/Earth's best little gymnast doesn't mean you can go around flipping her and shit. There are rules and you must follow them if you want to take home this season's special gold mirror ball trophy thing.
Judges Carrie Ann Inaba and Len Goodman gave the couple 7s because seriously, what else is new besides those two old farts being old farts? Derek's sister and judge Julianne Hough gave them an 8 because duh, she's biased, and judge Bruno Tonioli told Nastia she was too loose with her back or something vaguely sexual and some other things we didn't understand because he was shouting too much.
BUT WE DID CATCH ONE THING.
"There's nothing nasty about Nastia, my darling," Bruno shouted.
Oh, dear Lord, please save me from myself.
You can watch Derek and Nastia not be nasty, or whatever, at 7 p.m. Monday nights until they win or are booted off.