Film and TV

New Television Channel Caters Exclusively To Dogs, Our Top Five Program Picks To Soothe Your Pup's Anxiety

Welcome to DOGTV, a "scientifically developed" channel created by humans for dogs. Focusing on three central themes: Relaxation, Stimulation and Exposure, the digital channel is designed to act as Fido's ultimate babysitter so that you, the self-centered human, can go about your daily life while your retriever's brain atrophies to the consistency of wet food.

While currently the channel is only available to refined K9s within the San Diego regional market, it's gearing up for a nation-wide launch -- meaning that it will soon be enjoyed by dogs, stoners and the heavily hung-over across this great nation's airwaves. We've finally done it, guys! All together: "USA! USA! USA!

We know that you have questions, like "When DOGTV does grace the upper registers of my cable box, which shows should I allow my dog to watch?" Well, we ain't no dog scientists, but there are a few programs that yours will want to see, especially if he plans on showing his face at the park. Here's a list of our top five picks for your pooch.

1.) Squirrel Town, USA Basically it's this video on a 6-hour loop. You're dog will never get tired of it; he's a dog.

2.) He's Home! In the popular dog series He's Home! your dog will first hear the sound of a familiar vehicle, then a key in a lock, and then will see a door open ever so slowly. A human will walk through awkwardly carrying many bags filled with fragile groceries. A reunion occurs and the comforting sound of dried food being poured in a ceramic bowl will tickle his furry little ears. He will then urinate in your favorite shoes when he realizes he's been tricked. That's just the cost of child care.

3.) Cats Get To Do Everything, a Soap Opera CGTDE provides much needed stimulation to a hound's otherwise sedentary daily existence. In the above listed trailer episode "Cats Get To Play With Dolphins," Max will whimper and whine as he witnesses a friendship that defies all logic and is completely wasted on that stupid cat.

"Cats don't even like water!" he'll cry while processing life's injustices. Finally, after many frantic laps on the couch he'll collapse and give up, knowing beyond the whisper of doubt that cats, in fact, do get to do everything.

4.) Bones Bones Bones Done in a QVC style, this show features the full spectrum of chewable doggie delecasies. Turkey bones, Nylabones, rawhide bones and more, all shown through the sun-drenched lens of a rotating 360 degree camera. Then each is slowly dipped in a gravy fountain and placed in a bowl where it will sit for the show's duration.

5.) I Could Protect You! This program is especially popular with K9s because it provokes in them what suspense thrillers do in humans. While you might watch a scary movie and think "No, not the basement!" a dog watching a rodent invasion thinks "Let me out of my stupid kennel so that I can protect you!" It's a character-building experience.

Are there any shows that you wouldn't allow your dog to watch? Hit us up in the comments.

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Jamie Laughlin
Contact: Jamie Laughlin