New Year's Resolutions

I will stop smoking.

I will not run for mayor.

I will not watch the video of Saddam Hussein's hanging. Again.

I will lose 23 pounds.

I will stop doing Borat impressions. You likes? Nice.

I will learn to hold on to the football.

I will learn how to ballroom dance just for you.

I will find 25 million reasons to hire a new publicist.

I will not drive southbound on the Dallas North Tollway after 4:54 p.m.

I will not coach the Dallas Cowboys next season.

I will learn an instrument.

I will stop blogging about Jessica Simpson.

I will not let my husband run for mayor.

I will stop making My Pet Goat jokes when referring to the George W. Bush Presidential Library.

I will make the comics bigger and get rid of the Religion section.

I will keep referring to the missus as "the franchise player," as she seems to like it.

I will catch the ball when it's thrown between my numbers, 8 and 1.

I will stop referring to $60 as "a lot of money" when playing poker with friends who consistently lose $1,000 or more.

I will engage in fear-mongering.

I will get my facts straight.

I will open a record store.

I will stop teasing everything except my chest hair.

I will start going to Club Clearview more often. (What's that you say?)

I will learn math.

I will send 20,000 more troops to fight the War on Christmas.

I will stop referring to people at Ghostbar as "my fellow douchebags."

I will stop auditioning for Prison Break from prison.

I will stop calling Nobu and asking them, "Have you shut down yet?"

I will do the crime, but only if I can find the time.

I will learn to enjoy poetry or die trying.

I will admit that voting for Kinky Friedman was, yeah, maybe a waste of a perfectly good vote.

I will remove my Bluetooth earpiece during church services and sex.

I will stop blaming the media.

I will get that job at PaperCity this year.

I will stop asking people how their weekend was.

I will expect them to extend to me the same courtesy.

I will stop getting divorced.

I will stop trying to make John Wiley Price like me.

I will work on being named "Texan of the Year." Again.

I will stop listening to Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy." If only.

I will stop giving the homeless I.O.U.s.

I will stop hugging co-workers.

I will put more ounce into my bounce.

I will stop drunk-dialing Lupe Valdez at 2:48 every morning.

I will stop getting my news solely from Jon Stewart.

I will stop using the words "holmes," "s'up," "dawg" and "peeps."

I will stop ending phone conversations with my male friends by saying, "No, you hang up first."

I will vote for Zac Crain, unless someone makes me a better offer.

I will stop taking pictures of me and my friends standing next to penis-shaped candles.

I will stop blaming this irrational rage on Seasonal Affective Disorder.

I will take off my tinfoil pyramid hat and admit that humans are in fact causing global warming.

I will stop referring to my drug habit as "me time."

I will personally fill every pothole on Ross Avenue by Passover.

I will stop cockfighting, but not cock-knocking.

I will stop trying to be an "alternaparent."

I will care less.

I will stop meeting people by asking them to "pull my finger."

I will not stop seeing movies with the number "3" after them.

I will close a record store.

I will stop voting straight Democrat.

I will stop trying to keep Mexicans out of Farmers Branch.

I will go down to Deep Ellum and not be afraid.

I will stop suing the Dallas County jail for being "too sticky."

I will stop referring to city council member Angela Hunt as "my future second ex-wife."

I-eeeee-I will always love you.

I will stop treating public schools like private schools.

I will make a short film and enter it in a film festival for blind people.

I will stop referring to myself as a "foodie."

I will Run the Rock.

I will stop referring to water pipes as "bongs." (Sorry, people who work at Gas Pipe.)

I will stop panhandling, but not smoking in restaurants.

I will stop watching KXAS-Channel 5 news.

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Robert Wilonsky
Contact: Robert Wilonsky