I think the Mayans just had better things to do than extend their dayplanner out, indefinitely. Perhaps they predicted Google Cals and Siri, then took another look at their elaborate and lovely circular documentation of time and thought, "Well, screw that."
So this Friday we'll all share a few human impulses: secretly amassing tinned meats in a pantry; listening to that R.E.M. song -- you know the one -- at least a dozen times; and scattering out into the world in search of other people to be around. We know this because it's what we do every time the end of civilization is predicted and attached to something obscure and farfetched that nobody really understands, like the Mayan calendar, or Zooey Deschanel's singing career.
Since come Friday, you'll be on the hunt, we've put together a party guide to cling to in those (absolutely not) final moments.
Laugh Death in the Face -- When I think of The End, I like to imagine going out laughing. And maybe eating a sandwich -- I mean, dying hungry? That was never the plan. You can do exactly those two things on Friday at the one-night only offering of the End of World Comedy Show at Pocket Sandwich Theatre. Tickets cost $12, but see if you can pay when it's over...
Mega Party at S4 and the Rose Room -- If there's one place that you'll be safe from hearing Michael Stipe prattle on about Leonard Bernstein, I'd say it's here. Plus, the party action in Cedar Springs has been poppin' off since way before it was trendy: they're professionals. On Friday, the boys boldly ask the question on everyone's mind: "End of the world, or not: Wouldn't you rather be dancing?" Quite true, quite true. S4 is where you'll shake it until 4 a.m. while the Rose Room offers "Epic theme shows."
The Grapevine -- I love this bar, and so I'm proud that they've decided to poke a little fun at death's infinite abyss. Beginning on midnight Thursday and running until midnight on Friday, all drinks are set to happy hour prices, so the apocalypse won't leave you strapped for cash. They've also created a signature cocktail for the evening, ehem, the "Mayand Eraser" and will feature prizes for best costume and best bomb shelter item.
Not The End of the World Party, at UT Arlington Planetarium -- If you have even the slightest tinge of fear that all earthly matter will dissolve by Saturday, I've got a little advice: Spend time with nerds. Yep. When standing in the nucleus of nerd cloud, things are just put into perspective. They say smart stuff about space, and you nod and smile. Join the space dorks of the UT Arlington Planetarium from 7 p.m. to midnight or detonation ― whichever. They'll have educational lectures, programs, and telescope observation hours. You'll feel a lot better about Saturday morning.
Mayans Meet Miami, at the Sandbar Cantina-- If you'd like to close scene while surrounded by beautiful people, a buffet and -- I don't know -- the biggest party in your time zone, then this is the one for you. By the kindly Sandbar employee's telling, this party reads like an epic frat bash from an '80s film; I half-expected a "virgin" sacrifice with a Jäger volcano. The evening is dress to impress with a ten dollar cover, and you can still get sweaty -- those volleyball courts will be in full swing, along with ping pong and darts. You'll see the DJ, reigning high on a 14' tall set-up, while a massive screen provides eye-candy projections. Oh, and you won't need a winter coat -- or notice the approaching comet -- because that whole patio is enclosed in a 45' tall tent. Still not enough for you? Fine, the first 200 folks who show up get a free drink.
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End of the World Beer Pong Tournament at Ash Studios -- This party is much more than just a beer pong tournament: It's THE LAST BEER PONG TOURNAMENT! Part of Green Bandana Group's end-of-year Ash Friday parties, this week is a special edition, with the boys beaming in a little summertime fun to combat the pending End of Days. The winning team scores a $250 cash prize! And that ain't all: You'll get graffiti, music by DJ Killtron and DJ Genova, beer, a bonfire and digital art projections by Fred Villanueva. Take that, you sneaky, yet-to-be-seen comet.
Medieval Times -- Here's the deal: This playground of the absurd hasn't scheduled anything aside from their already perfect programming for Friday, but it's still a plan worth considering. Just think: If a comet should land on Earth and things get all rowdy, there's no better place to hole up. Medieval Times is, literally, a fortress. Also, if biblical prophecy unfolds, wouldn't it be nice to have a few horsemen of your own?
Mayan Apocalypse Night at the Granada -- Leave it to those rascals at the Granada to extreme match their final hours. They'll welcome annihilation with the cinematic stretch of Texas band We Will Destroy You. Hmm, looks like you'll be dodging oblivion from all angles. They'll have support by True Widow and the Angelus.
PhD's End of the World Party -- Consider this one a party for your pocketbook, with wells and domestics priced at $3 and draft beers and wines set at $5. And you'll be serenaded, right up until the end, with patio grooves by Kathy Corbin of The Barefoot Hippies and Bella Estrada of Ciao Bella. They'll close the set at midnight with a special rendition of R.E.M.'s "It's the End of the World as We Know it." Personally, I feel fine.