Arts & Culture News

Friends Is off Netflix. Now Don’t Take These Other Things Away from White People.

"Let's watch some Hallmark Christmas movies before I call the chiropractor about my sore throat."
"Let's watch some Hallmark Christmas movies before I call the chiropractor about my sore throat." Big Cheesy Photo / Getty Images

The year just started, and it's already trash. We're not talking politics, but about the fact that we've already lost one precious thing this month: Friends. The NBC sitcom joined a long list of shows to depart Netflix, and in doing so, joined another list: Things white people mourn when they go away. This departure got us thinking: What other artists, athletes and unnecessarily favored show or activities would inspire the same sort of mourning should White People™ lose access to them?

The Chainsmokers


Because who else can make criminally juvenile and embarrassingly simple beats?

John Mayer

If he hangs it up, to whom will we turn for love songs? Ed Sheeran?

Ed Sheeran


If pumpkin spice were a person, it would be Ed Sheeran's face.

Hallmark Christmas movies

Yeah, this one is obvious, but it's not our fault that white people can't get through the holidays without their yearly fix of the story of an aspiring baker played by Lacey Chabert or Danica McKellar moving to a small town and remembering what Christmas is all about. It's about having a white Christmas. In every sense of the word.

Matching Christmas PJs for the whole family

This is just weird. Almost psychotic.

The city of Nashville

Pro tip: The secret to getting the perfect big hair is to fill your head with racism. 

Cycle classes


"I took one, and it changed my life. I’m serious. Did I tell you about how it changed my life? Because it did. Now I can drink all the LaCroix I want."

Ellen DeGeneres

This is the closest some white people get to supporting a POC.

Believing that Jesus was also white

Sure. Ya look like twins.

Bumper stickers

White people must brag to everyone on U.S Highway 75 about their children's underwhelming achievements.

Ultimate Frisbee

Actually, anything that starts with the word "ultimate" or "monster." Especially in porn.

Inserting a random “Y” into names

Like "Trystan" and "Ryley." "Y" is short for "white."

Naming kids after cities

And then sticking a random "Y" in there. Like, "Londyn" and "Madyson."

Posting hot pictures with unrelated "inspirational" verbiage. And using hashtags like #blessed.

Take your stupid soft-wave influencer haircut and get out of here, Madyson.

Young white actors named Chris


And laughing incessantly about how they get them all mixed up.

Answering "and then some" when the cashier asks if they found everything OK.

And then laughing like they're the first to make that joke.

Business-speak, like saying "opportunities" instead of "mistakes."

As in, "The Dallas Cowboys have some challenging opportunities ahead, just like the Dallas Police Department."

Traveling abroad (but not too far!) wearing the unofficial American uniform: cargo shorts with a leather belt and tall white socks and white sneakers.

It makes it easy to find them and return them to the U.S. Embassy in case they get lost.

Multilevel marketing

It’s not a pyramid scheme, OK? We’re just going to sell some knives, move some numbers around on the spreadsheet and then (maybe) get paid through Venmo in a few months.

Chiropractors

For a white person, there is no disease that a chiropractor can't cure.

The new Kanye

Especially the part where he said Jesus Is King.

Midrange luxury brands

Like MAC cosmetics, Coach and Kendra Scott jewelry. And T-shirts that say things like "Rosé all day."

Wearing flip-flops to bars

Traditionally, the white man must try to seduce a white woman by displaying his white toes on a date.

Using the movie White Chicks as a counter-argument against blackface.
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Tyler Hicks was born in Austin, but he grew up in Dallas. He typically claims one or the other, depending on which is most convenient. His work has appeared in Texas Monthly, Truthout, The Texas Observer and many other publications.
Contact: Tyler Hicks
Eva Raggio is the Dallas Observer's music and arts editor, a job she took after several years of writing about local culture and music for the paper. Eva supports the arts by rarely asking to be put on "the list" and always replies to emails, unless the word "pimp" makes up part of the artist's name.
Contact: Eva Raggio