The Intern in the Big City for the First Time
There’s a smile on her face, but the white knuckles gripping the bag on her lap give her away. Her head pops up at every stop to make sure she hasn’t missed her stop, not realizing she's on the wrong train because maps are hard. By the same time next week, you’ll see the smile gone and the bag flung on the seat next to her. Dead eyes indicate acceptance of the fact that the only thing getting stolen is her youth, by the company making her work for free.
Guy On Drugs
For a long time you think the person a seat over is having an angry phone call. There’s a lot of yelling, pausing while the other person speaks, and then more yelling. Then you realize he’s not holding a phone. He’s just screaming into his hand, “You don’t know me; I used to work at the post office!” On closer inspection you see he’s not wearing pants, and he’s wiggling around, rubbing his butt on the seat. It’s that kind of behavior that gets you fired from being a mail carrier.
Other Guy On Drugs Yelling at First Guy On Drugs
This guy considers himself to be a big-brother type to the less fortunate on the train, so when he sees someone not wearing pants wiggling around, he tries to set him straight. He yells, “You don’t need to be doing drugs. You need to clean your life up!” That’s what he tries to say at least, but he’s really high himself, so it sounds more like, “You get those drugs clean life.” The first guy doesn’t know he’s even being yelled at. Eventually big brother gives up and walks away. He also steals The Intern’s bag.
The Love Of Your Life
Just kidding. This scenario only happens in Axe body spray commercials to make dudes feel like anything is possible. It isn’t.
Terrified Suburban Mom
This woman is in the midst of regretting every decision that led her to this moment. She didn’t want to drive into the city, thought this would be a better idea and now is texting all her relatives that she loves them. She’s holding her pepper spray-filled purse like a baby to her chest, eyes straight ahead, body rigid with terror. The Intern freaked her out, so when she sees Mr. No Pants getting yelled at by Mr. Moral Authority, Suburban Mom is eyeing the window to see if she can squeeze out. Thankfully a police officer boards the train, and she moves closer to him. Unfortunately ...
Person You Thought Was a Cop But is Actually Off-Duty Security
He’s not a cop — just a man commuting to his job as a security guard. But he looks official, so when the drug addict runs by with The Intern’s stolen bag, all eyes go to him and are surprised to watch him do nothing. That’s completely normal, though, because that’s not his job. His job is to stand by a door and tell people they can’t loiter in front of his door, thus flexing his maximum amount of authority. His uniform doesn’t even look like a police officer’s uniform, so it makes you question how easily you could be duped into thinking anyone is the police.
The Real Cop
The Real Cop shows up after the guy who stole The Intern’s bag is long gone because that’s how everything works always. He’s large, imposing, but his uniform says DART on it, so you show him your ticket. He gets offended, like it’s insulting to think he’s the ticket-checker person. Who is the person that checks tickets on this thing? Are they mythical, like unicorns or Minotaurs or minority Trump supporters? We buy a ticket every day for this train and no one checks it. Ever. If we see someone with any collection of the four letters in DART on their chest, we're showing them the ticket to prove we did it and we exist. Anyway, thank The Real Cop for his service. All heroes don’t wear capes, but some do wear shades after the sun’s gone down.
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Woman Who Can’t Be Bothered While Reading a Book
No matter how much the train lurches or sways, she is the embodiment of tranquility, only moving to turn a page on her book. A fire could break out on the seat next to her and she wouldn’t care until she’s wrapped up the latest chapter. This book must be fascinating, you say, so you lean in to look at the cover and nope, you started to drift to sleep before you finished reading the title. You admire her ability to do it, but you have to wonder what kind of chaotic existence she has that the train is the relaxing part of her day.
Teenagers Going to a Concert
They’re all dressed exactly alike and fill the train car at the same time. Their large numbers give them confidence to make the train their home, loudly talking and having a good time instead of holding their head down silently like everyone else. They openly snicker at the guy who still hasn’t put on pants, not realizing that statistically one of them will be him in 10 years. The teenager’s youth have made Suburban Mom feel more at home, and — wow, Suburban Mom is still on the train? She totally missed her stop, but if you try to tell her that you’ll get pepper sprayed.
Sports Fans Going to a Game
Same thing as the teenagers, just add 20 years and 50 pounds.
The Person Who Will Murder You
Anyone on the train after 9 p.m.