Plastic Bag Ban: Don't Be a Douche About it, Dallas

Dallas is talking about a ban on disposable plastic shopping bags. And I'm all for it. Because plastic bags are lazy. They break right when you need them. They refuse to hold as much as a paper bag. They make your cool bathroom trash can look dumb. They float around the city instead of getting jobs.

True fact: The only thing plastic bags are really good at is suffocating people. Useful, sure, but sadly often against the law.

But, I know you're freaking out because you're wondering what on earth you'll do if plastic bags are actually banned here. You're obviously too much of a wuss to carry your own purchases with your hands. So, that option is immediately out.

I guess you could start bringing your own bag to the grocery store to carry your groceries. You say that's crazy. Remembering to bring a purse everywhere is already super hard enough. There's no effing way you could also remember to shove a grocery bag in that. And if you carry a tiny purse, or no purse at all, what the hell are you supposed to do? Bring bags in the back of your Benz? Are you kidding? That's such a monumental ass pain, not to mention it probably immediately terminates the lease agreement. Plus, farm fresh eggs have gotten used to coming home with you in their own separate bag. What are you supposed to tell them? "Sorry, guys. Times are tough and you're going to have to hang out at the top of the reusable bag now, with the tomatoes." It's all so hard to imagine.

I didn't say this would be easy. If this ban passes, it will have a huge impact on your lifestyle. When we go on a Target run, we might be forced to carry a whole gallon of milk by its handle. When we go to CVS, our bags for douches, or "douche bags," will have to be reusable douche bags. No more single-use douche bags.

For what, you ask? For the "environment?" It's possible, you will surely argue, that there's nothing more friendly to the environment than a random, floating plastic bag. A floating plastic bag says, "Hey, environment! I love you!" A floating trash bag was nice enough to get American Beauty an Oscar. Dirty plastic bags have done more to decorate the streets of the downtown and front-yard environments of Dallas than any reusable bag has ever done.

You'll say, "We're not Austin." And I absolutely agree. When I was in Austin recently, after their plastic bag ban had passed, I saw those hippies carrying Whole Earth cloth bags into the grocery store. That crap should never happen here. Not when everyone here has closets full of Louis Vuitton luggage just waiting to be rolled into the grocery store.

Let's rock this plastic bag ban, Dallas. It's time to fill your Fendi with Froot Loops.

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