Arts & Culture News

Scary Map Explains Why Dallas Women Are Aggressively Pursued. Five Tips To Fight Back.

As soon as I moved to Dallas I was told (warned?) that men will simply walk up and talk to you. Coming from Austin where men hide in the shadows, terrified of female interaction -- well hell, I was intrigued. "You mean they, just, talk?" I asked, so very curious. "Yes, they talk here," the women assured me, collectively.

They sure do. God bless 'em. Looking at this chart, I can see why. Assembled from basic census data, there are 40,000 more single men than women in the Dallas/Fort Worth area. No wonder Dallas fellas are so direct; we women are in bigger demand than broken gold. From this situation a new evolutionary strain of bro has climbed out of the primordial ooze: He is the Most Aggressive Male.

This invasive species destroys the native gender harmony by putting females in constant survival mode. The M.A.M. hunts like starved lions, so desperate for a wounded gazelle that they will infiltrate your herd and refuse to leave, blocking any passing point so that nice guys cannot enter and women cannot exit.

Spotting one is easy: he's hit on you multiple times but doesn't remember; his favorite topic of conversation is his Very Important Job; he picks up and holds something valuable of yours, like a cell phone, so that you cannot escape. The Most Aggressive Male must be shut down so that the other 90% of dudes can attempt to mate and breed them out of existence.

Here are a few tested tips to help you escape a Most Aggressive Male.

1.) When asked for your phone number, give him this one: 719-266-2837. No, it isn't the rejection hotline -- that number is (214)-471-1194, but it's also a little mean-spirited. That "719" number is the Hall and Oates Hotline, so while he didn't score with a lady he can still listen to some healing blue-eyed soul.

2.) If he actually does get around to asking you what you do for a living, tell him you're a cop. He'll take off so fast it'll look like he has cartoon Flintstone feet.

3.) Smile really big, but leave your eyes deadened. Then allow a slow, but cohesive, string of saliva to run down the corner of your mouth. You'll want to stop it, but don't. The longer it gets the more uncomfortable he'll become. If he draws attention to your spit pendulum pretend that you have no idea what he's talking about, and this is clutch: keep smiling.

4.) Kids kids kids. How much you want them, how great you are with them, and that "time is really running out."

5.) You hate the Mavs.

Ladies, I hope this frees you up to meet some of those great guys that exist in the man surplus. Gentlemen, well, good luck out there.

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Jamie Laughlin
Contact: Jamie Laughlin