Seven Houses in Dallas You (Probably) Can't Afford, Back to School Edition

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Put down the box of Goldfish and wipe off your flavor blasted hands. You're going to need your fingers to punch a few numbers in the calculator because the perfect addition to the following list of houses is a Koi pond. That's right. We think it's about time you bought yourself a pond and filled it with oversized fish. Apparently the real estate market has never been better, which obviously means it's about time you bought that mansion.

The "We're so Rich We Don't Need to Move to a Good School District" House No, this isn't the White House. It's just your average $19.5 million single family home. When your kids skip home from their day at Hockaday, Ursuline, Jesuit, St. Mark's, or St. Peter, Paul, and Mary's, you lock them away in a private movie theater tucked in the back of the house. Homework? They don't need to do that. You'll buy their grades at the end of the year by entertaining their teachers in the 500-bottle wine cellar, with a four-course meal served by Kent Rathbun himself. Teach 'em early.

The "I Kept Chasing Waterfalls and Now I have One in my Backyard" House What's that, Jeeves? I can't hear you over the sound of my personal waterfall. Oh, the french maids are here? No, no, don't worry, they're not replacing you. What's that? They're actually strippers? Oh, dear, my geriatric husband has done it again, the old fool. Well, we've already paid for them, so have them bring me a martini. Yes, very dirty, please.

The "Suck It Henry David Thoreau" House Who needs Walden pond when your backyard looks like this? This $6.9 million beauty is a six beds, seven full baths, 2 half baths and one really freaking big bathroom. It's 100% naturally manmade, with maybe a tree or two that grew there on its own. Thoreau wrote something about advancing in the direction of your dreams. Ours sit at 9250 Meadowbrook Drive.

The "We Bought This for the Prom Pictures" House Parents are competitive. Have you been to a children's soccer league lately? Those red-faced screaming dads mean business. No one wants to raise a benchwarmer, amiright? And when prom rolls around, you won't want your house to get skipped for the Bridgeport's. Have you seen Mrs. Bridgeport's boob job? With that in mind, you should probably go ahead and drop $37.5 million on this Preston Hollow beauty. Sure, little Johnny won't be able to go to college, but at least he'll get laid on prom night.

The "We Never Bothered to Have Children and Now We're Too Old, But Damn it We're Happy" House Have you ever noticed how parents dream about retirement? When Saturday morning rolls around, they're taking little Susan to band competition and sweet, stupid Bobby has to get braces for the umpteenth time. If only, they could have a weekend to themselves to swim laps in the backyard pool or play a few rounds at the club (that's short for country club, you plebe). All the while, non-procreators call that "Saturday." Well, this is the house for them. Oh, and for just $19.9 million, the koi pond is included.

The "We Wanted to Fulfill the Dallas Stereotypes" House Growing up, I wanted to play the harp for about two months. Before that, I'd grown tired of the piano, the violin, the guitar and the trumpet (all rentals). This time, my parents let me in on a hard, true fact of life: Not everyone gets to be spoiled. Then, my best friend's parents bought her a horse. My poor parents. But if America's taught me anything, it's the power of the loan. Think I can get $3.8 million for this horse ranch?

The "We Really Wanted to Live in Highland Park" House Apartment School districts are important because... Oh, hold on I have to take this call...

So... the bank just called... they recommended I call someone at webuyuglyhouses.com.

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