Alice Column

Six Tips for a Perfect Summer. With Boobs.

It's hot outside. And sunny. We call this "summer." I'm told it's the time of year we're all supposed to "Get that beach body!" At first, I was extremely excited about this concept: "Who wouldn't want to treasure hunt for a body at the beach, right? Maybe it's a Dexter-ish dig in the sand for a Real Doll! I'mma get that beach body."

Unfortunately, as it turns out, when people tell you to get a beach body, Google Images tells me that means you should paint your body orange and put most of a bathing suit in your butt. (I assume that's where the rest of it went.) But how will that prepare you for summer, unless you are part of the Oompa Loompa brigade in the traveling cast of Willy Wonka: The Musical that Isn't Even Half as Creepy as the Johnny Depp Willy Wonka, Which Really Was Closer to the Book Version than the '70s Version with Gene Wilder But Who Cares Because Holy Shit Johnny Depp Is Michael Jackson in that Movie Whoa?

Screw a bunch of that. Everyone knows that preparing for summer isn't about what you look like -- it's about what your friends on Facebook think your summer looked like. With that in mind, here are six tips for getting your Facebook timeline summer-ready.

  1. Start taking pictures of the temperature gauge in your car and posting them ASAP. It's a time-honored summer tradition here. Great captions for these photos let people know that you're extremely surprised that it is hot in the summertime in Texas. Here are some classic caption ideas to use as jumping-off points for your own Instacrap captions: "Seriously?!?" "What the hell?!?!" "Summer's here. Ugh." "Welcome to Texas!"
  2. Change your cover photo to a body of water. Whether or not you went there this year.
  3. Cleave. Anytime is the time for cleavtography. But your Facebook summer timeline isn't summery enough it if isn't super cleavy. Ninety percent of your updates should be cleave-bombed. If they're not, you're not July-ing properly. And everyone knows it.
  4. Sunglasses selfie. If you can manage to take a Hydra sunglasses selfie (you and two friends with your heads smashed together), even better. This is your new profile picture. Hope you paid extra for cool filters, otherwise why the shit did you waste your time taking the photo in the first place, right?
  5. If you must have a job and work there during the summer, make sure every status update that isn't a photograph of your car thermostat or an alcoholic beverage or boobs is something about how much you hate working.
  6. You want your timeline to light up with "likes" and comments from your friends about how awesome your summer is? You need combo photos. Find at least two awesome summer things and get a photo of them together. Ex: American flag snow cone music festivals. Boob fireworks. Hot dog booze.

You, my friend, are officially ready for summer. Enjoy.

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Alice Laussade writes about food, kids, music, and anything else she finds to be completely ridiculous. She created and hosts the Dallas event, Meat Fight, which is a barbecue competition and fundraiser that benefits the National MS Society. Last year, the event raised $100,000 for people living with MS, and 750 people could be seen shoving sausage links into their faces. And one time, she won a James Beard Award for Humor in Writing. That was pretty cool.
Contact: Alice Laussade