Last night two of our number saw the frankly magnificent Dylan Moran swoop through Dallas. A lot of his set is a stream of consciousness, and so being in Texas, he had some typically European thoughts, served with a dash of surrealism, about our state that we thought were worth sharing.
We're probably paraphrasing a bit here, but this is the gist.
Swap Guns For Spoons
"You guys say guns don't kill people, people kill people. I'd just like to see the statistics if guns were swapped for spoons, what the charts would look like. People could have any spoon they liked -- a triple-barrelled spoon, a sawn-off spoon, there could be shops selling a whole range of attack spoons. I'd just like to see how many people died at the hands of other people given that set of circumstances."
The Nature of Texans
"You guys are world famous. You know that, right? You're famous for your reserved nature. You always think before you act. You're a very thoughtful people. You'd never do anything to affect your fellow human. Texans never get involved because they're too busy thinking about how their actions might affect others. You're almost Asian in your manners and thoughtfulness."
"I think your ideal border police would be if Chuck Norris could somehow spawn billions of tiny Chuck Norris -- Norrii -- and they would form a wall all around Texas, and set their beards on fire to deter outsiders."
Dallas vs. Austin
"How do you feel about Austin?" *no response from audience, one person shouts "MEH"* "Well, they say terrible things about you. Really awful things. Frankly, I think they're crossing the line, but that's how they feel, and they're entitled to an opinion, right?"
On Americans Claiming Irish Heritage
"I'm so happy to be here in Dallas, my home. It's not my home, but I'm fucking tired of Americans coming up to me and telling me their grandfather is from Ireland, and that makes them Irish. You're not from Ireland, you're from Wisconsin, you dumb fucker."