4
| Comedy |

Swap Guns For Spoons, and Irish Comedian Dylan Moran's Other Suggestions for Texas

^
Keep Dallas Observer Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Dallas and help keep the future of Dallas Observer free.

Last night two of our number saw the frankly magnificent Dylan Moran swoop through Dallas. A lot of his set is a stream of consciousness, and so being in Texas, he had some typically European thoughts, served with a dash of surrealism, about our state that we thought were worth sharing.

We're probably paraphrasing a bit here, but this is the gist.

Swap Guns For Spoons

"You guys say guns don't kill people, people kill people. I'd just like to see the statistics if guns were swapped for spoons, what the charts would look like. People could have any spoon they liked -- a triple-barrelled spoon, a sawn-off spoon, there could be shops selling a whole range of attack spoons. I'd just like to see how many people died at the hands of other people given that set of circumstances."

The Nature of Texans

"You guys are world famous. You know that, right? You're famous for your reserved nature. You always think before you act. You're a very thoughtful people. You'd never do anything to affect your fellow human. Texans never get involved because they're too busy thinking about how their actions might affect others. You're almost Asian in your manners and thoughtfulness."

Border Police

"I think your ideal border police would be if Chuck Norris could somehow spawn billions of tiny Chuck Norris -- Norrii -- and they would form a wall all around Texas, and set their beards on fire to deter outsiders."

Dallas vs. Austin

"How do you feel about Austin?" *no response from audience, one person shouts "MEH"* "Well, they say terrible things about you. Really awful things. Frankly, I think they're crossing the line, but that's how they feel, and they're entitled to an opinion, right?"

On Americans Claiming Irish Heritage

"I'm so happy to be here in Dallas, my home. It's not my home, but I'm fucking tired of Americans coming up to me and telling me their grandfather is from Ireland, and that makes them Irish. You're not from Ireland, you're from Wisconsin, you dumb fucker."

Keep the Dallas Observer Free... Since we started the Dallas Observer, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Dallas, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Dallas with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.

 

Join the Observer community and help support independent local journalism in Dallas.

 

Join the Observer community and help support independent local journalism in Dallas.