Ten Phrases We Hope the New Big Tex Will Be Able to Say

Tomorrow's opening of the Texas State Fair doesn't just mark the start of another heat stroke inducing, artery clogging, diabetes causing month of fun. No, this one is special because we get to say hello to an old friend who can't say hello back because he's a giant inanimate object designed to mimic human interaction on its most basic level. Duh.

Last year's annual return of Big Tex ended when the big guy went down in flames due to an electrical short in his right boot set the big guy aflame.

Even though the fire put an end to 60 years of Texas history, Big Tex has been rebuilt because they have the technology to make him bigger, louder and (hopefully) less flammable. This Friday was supposed to mark his his official public unveiling, but fair officials took down the curtain surrounding him a day early because wind was blowing the curtain hiding the him from view.

So now we know what Tex looks like, but we're still waiting to hear what he sounds like (hopefully no wracking coughs from smoke-charred lungs). We at Mixmaster welcome the NBT and hope he lives a long an happy life. But, just in case, here's a few phrases we think the big man might want to keep handy.

• "Mmmm, someone's cooking up something tasty ... Oh dear sweet Christ! That's me!"

• "There is no smoking at the fair partner, unless you want to know what it's like to have a size 200 cowboy boot up your ass."

• "Y'all quit whining about the heat. I was on fire last year and you didn't hear me complaining."


"The drone must die. The drone must die. The drone..." *

• "I regret nothing."

• "Admit it, watching a 52-foot tall Texan burn is way more interesting to watch than people canning jams."

• "Hey y'all, wanna see me do my Johnny Storm impression?"

• "Howdy folks, this year's fair is brought to you by Duraflame logs, Kingsford charcoal and the Dallas Cowboys: going down in flames since 2006."

• "I'd ask for water but six tickets a bottle is outrageous."

*Trust us: To the seven people who actually saw Nicolas Cage in The Wicker Man, this is hilarious.

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