Your dad is a man. He may have been tamed by the structure of society and had his teeth dulled by life's monotony, but he's in there, lion and all. So with father's day approaching, what have you gotten him? A tie? A gift card to Best Buy? Maybe a coffee mug or a kitschy card that took two seconds to read before being selected?
SHAME ON YOU. Throw that shit away right now. Your dad doesn't want another picture frame or book or fishing lure; he wants to spend time with you, assuming neither of you are complete assholes.
So: Have you thrown those boring gifts out the window? Good. May they land next to the plastic heart shaped box full of gross chocolate, and the stale Easter egg candies that have survived two world wars.
Here are some things to do instead. Let's move.
Breakfast, Not Brunch, Never Brunch (above) Gonzales, a Dallas staple, sits deep in the old district of Oak Cliff and is known for throwing homemade flour tortillas that are as thick as pancakes. Go in with an empty stomach and a loose belt. You and your padre will almost assuredly need a nap to recover.
Gonzalez 367 W Jefferson Blvd , Dallas
Get High, Oh So High, at Ascencion Coffee and its cool, sometimes intense, brewing methods are at the heart of this great Dallas coffee shop. Ascension mixes cultures in its brews, featuring Spanish, Italian and French specialties like the dark cortado or the popular macchiato. Sometimes dads like to just sit down and talk -- it's an old-fashioned form of communication; look it up -- so why not do that in a comfortable café with large windows,an inviting patio and legalized narcotics?
Ascension 1621 Oak Lawn Ave
Pamper Me Manly Sometimes the best bonding experiences may considered "too dainty" for the intentionally masculine, but do not be fooled: a haircut or straight razor shave from The Boardroom Salon is about the most manly thing you'll do all week.
Pool tables, a rich dark wooded salon area, leather chairs: The Boardroom offers a gentlemen's atmosphere and is a dry whiskey and cigar short from being my favorite place to unwind. The salon offers back and neck massages, head-to-toe grooming and precise haircuts. This is the perfect place for you to take your dad allow him to educate you on the finer points of why everything used to be way better.
The Boardroom 3501 McKinney Avenue, Suite D, Dallas
Golf and Beer, and Beer and Targets You know what sucks about golf in Texas? Slaving through triple-digit degrees just to slug out a measly nine holes. By the time a game ends you're either sunburned, dehydrated, drunk or delirious with sweat.
Take out all of that laborious walking and waking up at 5 a.m. in order avoid the heat and treat yourself to Top Golf, which takes target practice golf games and brings by sliders and beers to keep everyone lubricated and well fed. Rent a spot (like, now), have a few beers with dad and play "let's hit the golf cart" with electronically tracked balls. There are five different games to choose from and the addiction level is high.
Top Golf 8787 Park Lane , Dallas
Smoke a Stogie There's something especially noir about grabbing a cigar, kicking up your feet and saying things like a 1920s gangster. Where's the best place in Dallas to do this? House of Cigars.
Customers are greeted by smoke pros who guide them through their extensive humidor, making sure that everyone smokes exactly what they want. They not only import premium cigars but they roll their own, and those in-house rolls rival anything else on the shelf. Locally hand-rolled cigars? That's the bee's knees, doll face.
House of Cigars inc. 13901 Midway Rd #110, Dallas
Catch a Ball Game
Despite some injury trouble, the red-shoed Rangers remain the cream of the sports crop in DFW. Grab your dad and a glove, secure a dog and a cold cup of Coors, and sit in beautiful silence as the first place Rangers play the Blue Jays this weekend, Saturday at 3:05 and Sunday at 2:05. If you invite him, he will come.
Texas Rangers Baseball 1000 Ballpark Way, Arlington
We've been spending a lot of time indoors on this list, so let's take it outside to the lake. Some of our dads are simple men who like the idea of grilling their own food and tapping into their personal cooler. You can do that here, and maybe play a little catch while you wait on the burgers to sizzle up, or make fun of the many varieties of weirdo who ride or walk or rollerblade past.
White Rock Lake 1152 N Buckner Blvd Suite #123
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Go Climbing Nothing says father-bonding time like holding you dad's life at the end of your harness. Fear not people with vertical phobias: the walls top out at 40 feet, a nice and safe distance from the ground. Full gear, training, people in spandex: it's all there.
Summit Climbing Gym 9201 Forest Ln, Dallas
Turn on the U.S. Open, Slide Something Soft Under His Feet, Get Him Two Beers and a Bag of Lays, Put a Pillow and a Light Blanket Somewhere within Reach, and Get. The Fuck. Out. Because let's be honest ...