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Uh-Oh — Did You Hear? Texans Are Not Having Sex

Texas couples will do anything for love, but they won't do that.
Texas couples will do anything for love, but they won't do that.
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Yes, please reread that headline. "Uh-Oh — Did You Hear? Texans Are Not Having Sex" is what it says. Again, Texans — people who live in Texas — are not having sex — aka, intercourse, copulation, screwing, banging, etc. We think you get it by now.

This information comes from Match — that dating site your aunt is on — and it comes from a sample size of 5,000-plus people. Even though Dallas comes in No. 16 in the ranking of cities not having sex, three Texas cities made the top 10 — El Paso, Fort Worth and Austin.

Here is the list, for those of you who like lists more than paragraphs:

Top 10 cities in the worst sex droughts, and the average time spent not having sex:

1. Jacksonville (1 year, 7 months)
2. El Paso (1 year, 5 months)
3. Detroit (1 year, 4 months)
4. Portland (1 year, 3 months)
5. Washington, D.C. (1 year, 2 months)
6. Fort Worth (1 year, 2 months)
7. Austin (1 year, 1 month)
8. Seattle (1 year, 1 month)
9. Baltimore (1 year, 1 month)
10. Philadelphia (1 year, 1 month)

Can you believe what you're reading? El Paso, the home of Beto O'Rourke — the muse of the Beto O'Rourke sex tweet — is not having sex. Wow. And Fort Worth! But the cowboys! Remember that song "Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy?" Guess it doesn't seem to matter, because no one is riding anything. And Austin! Keep Austin weird, ever heard of it? We guess "weird" means "celibate." Wow!

The study reveals a bunch of other things, like how Dallas ranks No. 7 in the top 10 cities looking for love, which is nice, but please be honest, who cares? We don't. We care about why Texans are not having intercourse. Maybe because it's so hot? Maybe because we believe sex should be reserved for marriage?

Justin Garcia, executive director of The Kinsey Institute and one of Match's scientific advisers, says he isn't sure what's going on in Texas.

"I'm not entirely sure what's going on in Texas," he says.

Great! He does have some ideas. Like, thermal regulation can affect social behavior, he says, and people who live in the Bible Belt might view sex differently.

"People in the Bible Belt in the United States tend to have earlier ages for marriage and first reproduction, which would suggest for many people sexual activity might be tied to marital arrangements," he says.

No one can know for sure why Texans aren't having sex except the Texans who aren't having sex. If that is you — and be honest — then look at yourself in the mirror and ask, "Why am I not having sex?" And then go outside in the 100-plus degrees and scream the reason at the top of your lungs.

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