Film and TV

'The A-List: Dallas' Season Finale Recap: "You're Not Supposed to Fornicate"

This season on 'The A-List: Dallas,' Cowboy Levi seduced everyone with opposable thumbs, straight-gal-in-charge Ashley nurtured her motherly instinct using brutal troof, Chia Hair Chase said "baybee" a lot, RepubliTwink Taylor made cute-bitch faces and deceived people, Crazy Trust Fund James drank out of every open container in sight, and Loose Lips Phillip stirred up ten-gallon tubs of shit, head constantly moving. Now that you're caught up, let's see what's going down in the season finale.

[Cue GarageBand synth hook ... "Nevah had a buoy like me DA DA DA!"]

Scene 1: Levi meets up with his country-bear rodeo mentor, Wade, to talk about an opportunity for ropin' redemption. Since Leev wasn't cleared by the doc to straddle an actual buckin' bronco, Wade's gonna let him do some announcing and praying over the P.A. at the upcoming gay rodeo world championships in Fort Worth. Levi is speechless, suddenly realizing that announcing rodeo events has been his real dream all along. He can barely hold back croc tears. Side note: Don't you think Levi and Wade would make a hot brokeback couple? I mean, our cowboy usually goes for the pretty ones, but he could use a rough-and-tumble top in his tent every once in a while. Just a thought.

Scene 2: Li'l Tay Tay's in LA, wearing his best V-neck sweater and chatting with Jimmy, a board member of the GOProud gay-conservo organization, about a possible consulting gig. The dude wants to know how Tay can bring in the big donors. We get a sudden vision of Taylor waiting in a hotel room in only a kimono, but we're quickly brought back to reality as Jimmy announces he'll be lunching with Ann Coulter the next day. "Can I come?" asks a wide-eyed Taylor, with visions of Nazi Barbies dancing in his head. Of course, sez Jimmy. After all, she's on the GOProud board, and it'll be good to see how Taylor interacts with "celebrities." And then Jimmy gets in the most ridiculous line of the episode (yet): "You know, conservative women are hot ... cuz they're happy."

Scene 3: Back in Dallas, Chase and Levi go for a little lover's walk around the lake. Levi invites his fling-a-ding to the rodeo, says he's nervous about praying publicly. Chase suggests getting prayin' tips from Ashley (because she's so adept at communicating with the lord). The next topic introduced by the cowboy, randomly, is Taylor's upcoming meeting with Ann Coulter (word sure travels fast!). Chase picks his jaw up off the ground and makes his feelings about this abundantly clear: "God, I hate that woe-man."

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Hunter Hauk