Mother's Day is right around the corner, you guys! But, what do you get the woman who shot you into this cruel world? You are once again met with the challenge of figuring out what says, "Thanks for humping sperm, building my eyelashes from scratch, and then painfully fluiding me out into the world, Mom! You're the best! Still!"
Luckily, this list (created by an actual mom) is here for you in your time of Mother's Day need. Behold: The Internet's Best Mother's Day Gift Guide Ever In The History Of Ever.
A card that says, "I love you, Mom."
This shit works. Every time. All you have to do is write more than two sentences about how much she means to you, and you'll get the happy tears that say, "You nailed it." Protip: E-cards don't count for shit. Neither does that post you put on Facebook about how awesome your mom is. Moms don't care about your Facebooks. And the "more than two sentences" part of this advice is extremely important. Signing your name on a store-bought card isn't enough. Even if you're six.
Not Shitting On Her
How about not shitting on your mom on Mother's Day? Literally, if you're a baby. Literally and figuratively if you're an adult. Let's all play nice on this day, shall we? Like Disney nice. (Well, Cinderella Disney, not Scar Disney. Dude was a dick.) Protip: If you're a baby and you shit on your mom on Mother's Day, you should know you're The Worst. Forever. You will not live that down. It's not worth it, man. Hold it for the day after Mother's Day.
Moms are not sick of flowers. That's a bullshit myth created by Edible Arrangements. Moms are never sick of flowers. It's a physical impossibility. They love them. Any holiday, any day, give us flowers. Flowers are never not part of the right answer. Protip: The key word here is "part" of the right answer. Flowers alone are pretty good, but flowers should be paired with one of the other items on the list to really hit the Mom Heart hard.
A Shared Moment
Your mom likes being around you. She must--she spent months teaching you how to not sit in your own poop, and she still calls you to chat. Crapping in a toilet is like a huge part of who you are, and you don't even thank her for that daily. And she still loves you. Don't just buy her a gift card to the hottest Mom Brunch Store in Dallas. Take her there yourself. Have some nice mom time. Ask her about that time you were a toddler douche. Surely, there are apologies you owe her that you don't even realize you owe her. Protip: No IHOP. Waffle House is allowable.
This is easy money. Wines, boozes, beers-- whatever is her favorite. Just don't mess it up. In this category, stick with her favorite. Do not try to expand her horizons. Mother's Day is about getting her what she loves, it's not about you trying to teach her what her new favorite drink is. Protip: Mix her the drink yourself and make it a stiff one, don't just hand her the bottle.
An Empty Nest
Moms might act like they fear an empty nest, but a mother who still lives with her children (whether the kid is 0 months old or 50 years old) in her home just has one wish: to be alone in The Quiet. The Quiet existed in her home before you were born, and since you were born, it has vanished. Give her The Quiet for Mother's Day. If you're 2 months old, get yourself a damn babysitter and get the hell out of the house. If you're 37 and still living at home, move the hell out. Protip: If you're an infant, don't drive. Take the stroller.
Soft cheeses were put on this earth to please mom mouths. Get your mom's mouth some brie. Or some bleu cheese. Better yet: get her some Cambozola. Your mom would write a love letter to Cambozola if she wasn't always so busy stuffing her face with Cambozola all the dang time. Or, if you're like, "Whatever! Cambozola is not even that great-- there's some super awesome expensive version of Cambozola called Hipster Cheese Fart that's way better and nobody even knows about it because Cambozola gets all the hype," get her that. Buy a boatload of it, and you're finally showing her the reason it was a good idea for her to create people. Protip: Don't watch your mom eat these cheeses. She needs alone time for this kind of cheese devotion.
A Spa Day
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Have you seen your mom's toes lately? No. No, you haven't because she's running all the fuck around all the fucking time taking care of you. Get the woman a spa treatment or twelve. She probably doesn't even know what an "aromatherapy" is anymore. Protip: Do not schedule the spa time for early in the day. She'll go there, find nirvana, and then walk in the door and BAM! she's changing a shit diaper, and all those stones on her back were a waste. Schedule the spa stuff for the evening so that when she gets home, all the needy people are asleep.
"I want my lady parts back, you Sonofabitch."
She blew out her favorite parts for you. Show some dang respect. Vaginal rejuvenation is not what your mom wants to receive from her offspring, but something expensive that takes her mind off of the time you made her two holes turn into one hole-- that might be nice. Like, maybe diamonds or a sports car.
Get something for your Mom(s) this Mother's Day. She deserves it.