Let's shorthand it, shall we? Because in Twitterworld, who needs complete sentences? U w/me, ppl?
-January 2011. Eleven lifetimes ago. Hop-skip through year's tops and flops in pop culture.
-Golden Globes. Host Ricky Gervais offends Cruise, not Depp. (And he'll be back.) James Franco co-hosts Oscars. Good tweeter backstage. Big twit onstage. Anne Hathaway's pretty.
-Pregnant Natalie Portman Black Swan Oscar. Girl who actually danced? Name? Winner Best Actor? Name? (C-C-C-Colin Firth.)
-The Social Network. Winklevosses. Armie Hammer. Twice.
-Boardwalk Empire. Breaking Bad. Buh-bye, Friday Night Lights. Hello, American Horror Story. Matt LeBlanc as Matt LeBlanc, Episodes.
-Bridesmaids. Melissa McCarthy. Best Emmy acceptance ever (thanks to ladies). Best shows Mad Men, Modern Family.
-Vampires on TV. Vampires at movies. Vampires on Wall Street.
-Madoff's wife talks to 60 Minutes. Sorry, lady, you suck.
-Diane Keaton for Chico's. Really?
-Cialis. Side-by-side tubs. Old guy. In woods.
-Will and Jada, Ashton and Demi, J-Lo and Mark, Maria and Arnold, kaput. Bachelor and whatshername, Bachelorette and whatshisname, kaput. Clooney dumps Italian model, she goes on Dancing with the Stars, audience dumps her. Clooney grabs Stacey Keibler, who was once on DWTS.
-ScarJo and Sean Penn. Wow. Cameron Diaz hand-feeds A-Rod. Super Bowl. Ugh. Sexiest Man Alive Bradley Cooper. But not to Renee Zellweger. Oh, well.
-Oprah bows out. Oh, wait, she's back.
-Real Housewives of NYC: Bethenny. Real Housewives of Orange County: Broke. Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Dead guy.
-Charlie's Angels comes back to TV. It's bad. It goes. Is Pan Am still on? Is Jukebox Jury?
-Zooey Deschanel is not the new Mary Tyler Moore. Or Courteney Cox.
-David Arquette gets sober and goes on Dancing With the Stars..
-Eventually we'll all be on DWTS.
-Jessica Simpson knocked up. January Jones knocked up, but not by guy on SNL. And not by Justin Bieber.
-Mel Gibson leaves mean messages.
-Hugh Hefner engaged to 24-year-old. She runs before marrying side-by-side tubs.
-Prince William marries Kate. Her sister's butt gets the attention.
-Cue the 2012 Oscar/Emmy/Grammy/Tony death montages: Harry Morgan, Ken Russell, Heavy D, Andy Rooney, Andy Whitfield, Cliff Robertson, Jimmy Kimmel's Uncle Frank, Seinfeld's "Uncle Leo," Jack LaLanne, Jerry Leiber, Nick Ashford, Bubba Smith, Clarence Clemons, James Arness, Gil-Scott Heron, Randy "Macho Man" Savage, Arthur Laurents, Jackie Cooper, Phoebe Snow, Sidney Lumet, Liz Taylor, Jane Russell, Gerry Rafferty, Anne Francis, Pete Postlethwaite.
-Not around for a Celeb Rehab reunion: Mike Starr, Jeff Conaway.
-New to the 27 Club: Amy Winehouse.
-Oh, and one more thing: Peter Falk.
-Adele has a sore throat. Lada Gaga has a meat dress.
-Michelle Williams as Marilyn. The Olsen that's not a twin can act.
-Lohan in jail. Lohan out of jail. Sent to morgue, she shows up late. Oh, don't they all?
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-Charlie Sheen quits TV show, joins circus of whores and misfits.
-Herman Cain quits campaign, leaves circus of whores and misfits.
It gets better. Occupy.