We're in the middle of an aisle in Half Price Books on Northwest Highway, and Steve Jay Crabtree, the comic whose multiple personalities grace the Pocket Sandwich Theater this weekend, is cycling in and out of his Dysfunctional Divas like a patient with multiple personalities. Customers stop and browse book shelves near us for a ridiculous amount of time (how interesting can a romance novel be, really?) just to eavesdrop on the psychosis developing before my eyes.
The divas are:
Stephanie Shapiro-Stein, the big-haired, brazen man eater
Warrior Woman, a mighty glamazon from another planet, fighting evil and righting wrongs
Trayla Park, the divine, lip-syncing, show-stopping diva with a country twist
Persephone Styx, an emphatic medium with her own TV show
Side Pony Tail Girl, the mysterious young party girl who, like, totally loves the Kardashians, rapping, and flipping her side pony tail
, the legendary queen of the silver screen from the silent film era
Here's what went down ...
So I'd like to talk to Steven first. Steven, what was it like finding out you had all these other women living inside you?
Steven Jay Crabtree: There's something more enjoyable for me to do things from a female perspective. I find the female perspective more interesting and something we still don't see enough of. Go women!
Observer: Do you allow them to take over, or do they just come out without permission?
Steven: Sometimes they take over. When Stephanie Shapiro-Stein comes out, she tends to talk about bad breakups. A little bit of man bashing. And sometimes my friends will say, "Wow, Stephanie was really angry tonight."
Observer: Can I talk to Stephanie?
Steven: Sure, if she's up for it.
Observer: So Stephanie, seeing anyone?
Stephanie Shapiro-Stein: I am actually. Finally met a nice one. Thought he was creepy at first, but he was just a nice guy.
Observer: You thought he was creepy? Do you meet a lot of creepy guys?
Stephanie: Well, the worst break up line I ever heard was: "I just can't handle the intensity that comes from sleeping with someone more than once."
Stephanie: Yah! Couldn't handle it. Couldn't handle it!
Observer: So how did you meet your current beau?
Stephanie: We made out in a parking lot where I work. In front of our friends. For about 30 minutes. Then I got his name and number.
Observer: In a parking lot? That's a little sketchy. I hope Warrior Woman was watching out for you. Can I speak to her?
Observer: Warrior Woman, thank you for keeping Dallas safe.
Warrior Woman: Well thank you, citizen for speaking to me.
Observer: So your secret identity is teamed up with Dick Dickson, secret agent astronaut. Does Dick have anything to do with the Mars Rover?
Warrior Woman: Oh no, Dick is from the Island of Sappho. He crashed there. The island is run by female gladiators. They're stronger. The men are better scientists, though.
Observer: So whom is Warrior Woman battling these days?
Warrior Woman: Oh, there are so many in my rogue scullery. That's what we super heros call our super villains. A rogue scullery.
Observer: Any villains worse than others?
Warrior Woman: Well, there is my arch nemesis, Werewolf Hitler. There's the Albino Leopard Woman. She calls herself a queen, but I haven't seen any paperwork. Personally, I just think she's faking it.
Observer: Well, not everyone has their name officially changed, like Side Pony Tail Girl. Can I talk to her?
Warrior Woman: OK. Farewell.
Observer: Side Pony Tail Girl? How are you?
Side Pony Tail Girl: Hi.
SPTG: Hi, I'm Side Pony Tail Girl. That's my name. I had it legally changed. Capital S, capital P, capital T, capital G. My parents were all like, whatever. But once I put my side pony tail to it, there's no stopping me. It's on like Donkey Kong.
Observer: So how crushed were you when Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom left Dallas? Lamar got traded, and he took Khloe with him!
SPTG: I know! W-T-F. I was so excited. They were gonna be here, and we were gonna start hanging out, and we're gonna have fun...and then they totally moved. I don't understand how like, sports and stuff works, with the trading and everything. I don't know what went down. I'm very sad for me. But if she gets the job hosting the X-Factor, it's gonna be thebestshowever!
Observer: Would you try to go on the X-Factor?
SPTG: Yah, but not necessarily sing. Just to see Britney and Demi Lovato. Oh my god. My dream is that we'd all have cheese fries together and just dish. And then Simon would come over, and we'd be like, "Simon! This is just for girls!" And we'd laugh.
Observer: But you rap, right?
SPTG: I do!
Observer: You wanna give me a little rap?
SPTG: Yah! Here goes...
I'm. Side. Pony Tail Girl.
My rhymes are fierce.
I got a dragon tattoo
And my vajayjay's pierced.
Observer: Wow, you're pretty good.
SPTG: Thanks! I did make that part up, though. I don't have a dragon tattoo.
Observer: Duh! So can I talk to the other music goddess in there? Miss Trayla Park?
Trayla Park: Yes.
Observer: Trayla, with all of your talent -
Observer: With all of your natural talent, there must be a song that you feel you perform better than the artist herself.
Trayla: Well, better than herself? I don't know. It's probably true, I am very talented. But I will say, my mother's favorite song, that she thinks I do better than the original artist, is And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going from Dreamgirls. That's the drag pinnacle. If you can pull that off, you can pull anything off.
Observer: How long did it take you to master that?
Trayla: Oh my. So many years, so many pageants, so many earrings flyin' off. Yah, I can't wear earrings when I do it. I get too dramatic.
Observer: Do you just lip-sync or do you ever actually sing?
Trayla: Every now and again I might croon a little bit. Sing it acapulco, as they say, which is French for no music. But for the most part, I do lip-sync. But in my mind, I am singing.
Observer: So tell me, which singers out there should just hang it up? Cause there are some that just keep it going well past their prime. (cough) Madonna (cough)
Trayla: Now see, I love her.
Observer: Well, it's getting a little bit ... interesting. The crotch shots at 50?
Trayla: But why not ... why not. We should be able to show our crotches on stage at 50. And she knows all that Kabballa and witch craft and stuff. So it's probably eternally youthful.
Observer: Well you know Guy Ritchie's soul is up there.
Trayla: I did not know that. Wow. My goodness.
Observer: On the subject of souls, I'd really like to hear from Persephone Styx now. Is that ok?
Observer: Persephone? Are you seeing any dead people right now?
Persephone Styx: Hmm. I see...(she looks behind me)...I see sort of an outline? Of a figure? And he's either gardening or he's hitting someone with an ax. It's hard to tell. It's very shadowy. It's one of the two, though.
Observer: That's really specific. So is Bruce Willis back there?
Persephone: No, that would be awesome though. But see, Bruce Willis isn't really dead.
Observer: His career is, though. So tell me, does anything special happen around Halloween?
Persephone: Yes! Halloween is the time when the dead can cross over and often do. It's like their own celebration. The portals. The lines blur between the living and the dead.
Observer: Can others see the dead?
Persephone: (chuckles) Only if you're gifted. Or as I like to call it, a Sensitive Empath Medium. Or a Small if I haven't eaten too much. Ha, I'm kidding. You can quote me on that.
Observer: So what are your plans on Halloween? What if you see a ton of dead people? Are you able to go out? Do they kind of attack you like Whoopie in Ghost?
Persephone: They do. They know that I'm a Sensitive Empath Medium, and they want to use my body to walk about. It's really hard to have a date that night.
Observer: On the subject of romance and the almost-dead, can I speak with the legendary Martini Glass, please?
Observer: Martini Glass? How are you?
Martini Glass: I'm aliiive.
Observer: That's always good.
Martini: Yes, it's a wonderful surprise. Every morning.
Observer: So Martini, you look pretty young. Is the alcohol preserving you?
Martini: Yes. Yes, I'm completely pickled from head to toe.
Observer: What's your martini of choice these days?
Martini: Very dry. Ice, ice cold. One olive.
Observer: Just one?
Martini: Two takes up so much room in such a tiny, tiny glass. And I enjoy Skyy Vodka. Sapphire blue. But I'll drink pretty much anything as long as it burns.
The song I Enjoy Being a Girl plays over the loudspeaker.
Observer: Do you like this song?
Martini: I like it. I may have even sung it once. I may have written it!
Observer: Any projects coming up?
Martini: Well, you know it is October. And I'm sure I'll be asked back to do my famous role in Poltergeist: The Musical! I play the little lady exorcist. I put my knees in little shoes on a wagon.
Observer: Who pulls you around?
Martini: Oh, some grip. Some key. Some stagehand. For that role, I wear very dark sunglasses. So most of the time I'm passed out anyways. Sometimes they attach little electrodes to me, and they can just shock me when it's time.
Observer: Any movie roles coming up?
Martini: There is talk of doing a 3D version of 50 Shades of Grey. Perhaps a mini-series on Lifetime. Maybe a Lifetime after-hours. I want the bleach blonde from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, he played Spike, I want him to be the S&M man.
Observer: Martini, any parting words for our readers?
Martini: Of course. Life can be a banquet. Especially if you're a drunk, smoking, wealthy, talented movie star like I am. I think that's a goal people should aspire to.