The Terrible Dallas Cowboys Merch of Etsy

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The Cowboys might be in off season, but that doesn't mean the Etsy booster club has slowed down its production of must-have items. On the contrary, there's more weird shit on there than ever.

Is your dog a football fan but also a captain of industry? Does he need clothing that will transition from the office to the local breastaurant sports bar? Does he consider bandanas "pedestrian?" Get him this tie. He'll immediately piss all over it, and you'll add "wash dog's office clothes" to your list of weekly to-dos.

My problem with this isn't that it's strange to hyper-fan your baby every diaper change, it's that these reverse rain hats don't come in adult sizes. If pee pee tee pees are that absorbent, ignoring the Stadium Fan market is a missed opportunity.

Gentleman: Do not decorate with porn-themed home goods. I don't care if this " target="_blank">Debbie Does Dallas switchplate perfectly matches your Deep Throat toothbrush holder and your Behind the Green Door shower curtain; we see this stuff and think "kill shack with secret trophy room."

From this item's description: "All I need for you to do is send me the old one that you have to my Address, Then what I do is, I Wash it real good, Tear all the seams out and Totally Reupholster it and make it Absolutely Gorgeous."

You'll find these hand-painted TOMS' at the corner of Empty Nest Avenue and Ironic Hipster Lane. Don't worry, you can choose between canvas and glitter, and also get your name painted on so people can taunt you more accurately.

Keep the Dallas Observer Free... Since we started the Dallas Observer, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Dallas, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Dallas with no paywalls.

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Join the Observer community and help support independent local journalism in Dallas.


Join the Observer community and help support independent local journalism in Dallas.