Film and TV

James Bond Should Go Up Against These Texan Villains

James Bond should really kick these Texans' asses.
James Bond should really kick these Texans' asses. Ian Gavan/Getty
James Bond is back in theaters this week with No Time To Die, after its production was notoriously pushed back several times. Daniel Craig’s fifth and final adventure as 007 was announced after Spectre caused Craig to lament that he felt like “slashing his wrists” doing the intense stunts. Originally developed under director Danny Boyle and planned for a 2019 release, the concluding chapter was pushed to 2020 with True Detective creator Cary Fukunagua at the helm.

Craig’s films have certainly upped the ante when it comes to Bond villains. Mads Mikkelsen’s Le Chiffre in Casino Royale was the rare antagonist who seemed like he existed within reality, and Oscar winners Javier Bardem and Christoph Waltz joined the series in Skyfall and Spectre, respectively. Anticipation is high for what Bohemian Rhapsody star Rami Malek will bring to the table in No Time To Die.

Bond has visited the United States a few times throughout the series’ history, but he’s never made his way to Texas. Hopefully whoever gets cast as 007 next (we’re hoping for Daniel Kaluuya, by the way) will make their way to Dallas. If they do, here are some local figures that Bond should go up against.

Glenn Beck
Bond went up against the evil media titan Elliot Carver in Tomorrow Never Dies, but Jonathan Pryce’s eccentric Rupert Murdoch impersonation is far less terrifying than the garbage Glenn Beck spews on a weekly basis. How satisfying would it be to see 007 give Beck the appropriate beat down?


Peter MacNicol
This Dallas actor may not be a household name, but he should be. MacNicol was the star of the 1981 fantasy classic Dragonslayer, which our buddy David Lowery cited as one of his inspirations for The Green Knight. Maybe give this underrated guy (who was also John Cage on Ally McBeal, by the way) a chance to shine as a fearsome antagonist?

The QAnon Convention Attendees

Hey, if Bond can go up against international terrorists, insane scientists and Russian oligarchs, isn’t it time for him to track down conspiracy theorists? The QAnon crowd probably couldn’t match Bond’s physical prowess, so they’d have to rely on some of their mythic “Trump savior squads” to help them out.

Ted Cruz’s Homer Simpson
Remember when Ted Cruz tried to do an impromptu tribute to The Simpsons? Ironically, Cruz’s Mr. Burns is maybe the least terrifying of his demonic recreations. Homer Simpson went from hapless dad to lunking monster in a matter of seconds. Perhaps Cruz is a madman on the level of Bond villains like Jaws and Oddjob.

The State Fair’s Deep Fried Sweet Tea Chefs
Bond has never gone up against an evil chef, but you have to be pretty sinister if you can manage to cram this many calories into a single meal. Sweet tea, custard, graham crackers and syrup. Bond has been poisoned before, but he’s never spent four hours trying to take a shit.

Owen Wilson’s Kyle Reynolds from the “comedy” Father Figures

Dallas actor Owen Wilson usually plays nice guys. He seems like a nice guy. In the 2017 comedy Father Figures, he’s supposed to be a nice guy. He does not seem like a nice guy. He’s insane. This lunatic sells his likeness to a barbecue company and torments his poor brother, played by Ed Helms. Bond villain? Definitely.

The Electric Reliability Council of Texas
Villainous groups SPECTRE and QUANTUM never did as much damage as ERCOT.
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Liam Gaughan has been covering film and television since before he had a driver's license, and in addition to the Observer has been published in About.com, Schmoes Know, Taste of Cinema and The Dallas Morning News. He enjoys checking classic films off of his watchlist and working on spec scripts.