Mother’s Day is approaching faster than you’d like, and you still haven’t bought a present. Sure, you could go with the basics like a flower arrangement or the candle closest to the checkout counter at Bath & Body Works, but what if your mom isn’t the traditional kind of lady? What if your mom is the thrill-seeking type? The type of woman who wants to catch a bullet in her teeth, the type of mom who served some time in jail and hasn’t ruled out another stint?
Worry not — we have ideas.
Get Matching Tattoos
Anybody can tattoo Mom in a heart on one arm, but why not treat the most important woman in your life with a tattoo of her own? Every time she tells the story of giving birth to you, she adds an hour of labor, so she’ll have no problem with an hour or two on the table for the design of her choice.
After she’s finished getting the double-headed eagle on her back, you can take her to Harley-Davidson of Dallas, where on Saturday the store is hosting a Mother’s Day tattoo contest. You can skip getting reservation at the Olive Garden because Harley-Davidson of Dallas will also serve brunch at 10 a.m. Once you’ve eaten whatever the hell a bike shop serves for food, stick around because throughout the day, the famed bike store will host a virtual fashion show and a drawing for a Harley-Davidson gift basket.
Skydive Without a Parachute
Nothing bonds a mother and her child more than flying in a wind tunnel, so take your mom to iFly Indoor Skydiving. The indoor skydiving company has been in Frisco since 2013, servicing everyone who wants to fly but, for whatever reason, doesn’t want to jump out of a plane.
The process is completely safe, with a certified flight instructor by your side to train you on what to expect and guide you as you float in the vertical wind tunnel. The experience is described to being more like sticking your head out of a car window while it’s moving rather than the sensation of falling, so your mom shouldn’t have any feelings of motion sickness.
Afterward, you can purchase a video of your flight to show family, friends and strangers confused about why you’re showing them this.
Train Your Mother to Become Liam Neeson in Taken
When you were little, your mother always made you feel safe. She showed you there weren’t any monsters under your bed and always let you know she was there to protect you. But now that you’re an adult, threats in the world are real, and she needs to step up her damn game.
Take her to the Trident Response Group, where a former CIA agent will teach your mother to recognize potential risks in any room she walks into. The Women with Weapons course empowers women with hand-to-hand training, giving students a four-hour instructional on how to hit, kick or escape the grip of any would-be assailant.
This way, the next time your mom calls 911, it’s to tell the police she took on organized crime and won.
Jump Off a High Bridge
For the mother who wants to cross bungee jumping off her bucket list, go to Zero Gravity Thrill Park. At Zero Gravity, Mom will jump from a seven-story tower with the finest in bungee equipment strapped to her body. The parks boasts “super-elastic bungee cords,” which is good, because if they were described as "rigid, easy-to-snap bungee cords," the place would probably be shut down. For further reassurance, your mom will jump over a stunt-quality airbag designed for falls higher than seven stories, according to the website.
If that doesn’t sound intense enough, Zero Gravity also offers something called the Nothin’ but Net, which raises your mother 130 feet above two reinforced nets and then drops her without a cord or parachute attached. Anywhere else, this is called attempted murder, but for the employees at Zero Gravity, it’s just another day.
Live Out a Race Car Fantasy
If your mother breathes engine fumes, drinks gasoline and bleeds motor oil, she might be a car. If not, your mom might be suffering from malnutrition but is definitely a NASCAR fan. If she knows all the drivers' birthdays and uses all the products advertised on the car, it’s time to give her a taste of the real thing and take her to the NASCAR Racing Experience at Texas Motor Speedway.
With the NASCAR Racing Experience, you can schedule a time for your mom to drive a NASCAR race car. There's a variety of packages, ranging from riding alongside a professional driver on the course to the World Champion package that allows her 48 minutes of drive time by herself on the track. Let her experience the thrill of receiving a pit stop from the pit crew and then expecting your poor dad to the same thing every time they go to a gas station.
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Just Tell Her You Love Her
Your mom genuinely doesn’t care what present you bought her or what you do — she’s just glad to see you. She’s never expected anything extravagant in the past, and she doesn’t now, either. It sounds silly until you realize the last five presents you bought her are still unopened, and the trophy you won in third grade for attendance is still sitting like the Holy Grail on a shelf next to the family picture.
Just taking the time to see her in person and say, “Mom, I love you very much,” will pretty much do the trick. Because you do, and she loves you, too, and that’s all that really matters.
And whatever you do, just call her once in a while.