Next time a well-meaning but still highly irritating relative asks why we're almost 30 and still not married, we're going to say, "Because I blew my 401K on a really crappy matchmaker." Too bad all the matchmakers left are the online kind, not the manipulative older woman type found in movies like Dolly Levi from Hello, Dolly! Nevertheless, through Sunday you can blow your 401K on a matchmaker--if your retirement fund is so small that $25 to $75 tickets to see Hello, Dolly! will bust it. Casa Mañana presents the new production of the musical with Michele Lee (Karen MacKenzie of Knots Landing) in the lead role. Sorry, gramps, no Carol Channing this time, and no, we're not a lesbian. Hello, Dolly! will be performed at 8 p.m. Thursday, 8 p.m. Friday, 2 p.m. and 8 p.m. Saturday and 2 p.m. and 7 p.m. Sunday at Bass Hall, 525 Commerce St. in Fort Worth. Call 817-212-4280.
Friday, August 26
If a group of political activists broke into our home, rearranged our possessions and left a note claiming responsibility for their deeds, we'd never know. Maybe the dust rings around moved knickknacks might clue us in eventually, but the chances aren't high. Good thing the Austrian radicals in The Edukators target rich folks--more likely to have cleaning services. In the film, which Magnolia at the Modern brings to Cowtown for three days, Peter, his girlfriend Jule and his roommate Jan trespass in order to spread their gospel of the futility of wealth. A cell phone left behind leads them to a setup--and perhaps a look at themselves in the future. It's arty. It's Austrian. And the actors look like they should be playing in Deep Ellum. The Modern Art Museum of Fort Worth, 3200 Darnell St., presents The Edukators at 6 p.m. and 8:15 p.m. Friday, 5 p.m. Saturday and 2 p.m. and 4:15 p.m. Sunday. Tickets are $5.50 to $7.50. Call 1-866-824-5566.
Saturday, August 27
The Studio 54 of '70s and '80s New York never would have advised people via flyer "Don't drink and drive!" like the Dallas version does. Maybe that had something to do with the fact it was NYC, and everyone took a taxi or mass transit. Or maybe it was because the club's décor featured an animated coke spoon. Either way, that kind of concern for their patrons' safety is just one reason Gypsy Tea Room's Studio 54 Club A Night won't be like the original. Another: You can actually get into this Studio 54. But if you can forget the historic standards of Studio 54, you just might enjoy yourselves. For $10, the night includes entertainment in both the Tea Room (music by DJ Sista Whitenoise) and the Ballroom (live music by "retro band" The Max and "glam rock band" Savage Mutt, plus DJ Michael Greenspan). The first 100 cars on Elm Street also receive complimentary valet parking--a necessity for those sporting five-inch platform sandals. Doors open at 8:30 p.m. at Gypsy Tea Room, 2548 Elm St. Call 214-747-9663, ext. 115.
Sunday, August 28
Michael Bay, you may be asking yourself, "What can I do to top Armageddon, The Rock, Pearl Harbor and the Bad Boy films?" We've got an answer for you: a film version of Ted Bell's Pirate. It's got action, drama, suspense, conspiracies and--you'll love this--the potential for lots of explosions. But best of all, you don't even need to write the narrator's dialogue for the trailer. Just reword the publisher's press release: "a secret, deadly alliance between China and France before they annihilate everything and everyone in their headlong rush toward domination," "his fiery ambitions are cynically stoked by a coterie of cold-blooded Mandarins," "cloaked in secrecy, this unholy alliance devises a twisted global planthat will send America and the world to the brink of a gutwrenching showdown," "the world is once more balanced on the knife-edge of a full-blown nuclear confrontation." Mike, it's ripe for the pickin'. No need to thank us; just make sure Ben Affleck stars in it (like we had to ask). In the meantime, meet Ted Bell, "an author who gets you into the palm of his handand then clenches his fist," at Borders Books & Music, 5500 Greenville Ave., at 7 p.m. Sunday. Admission is free. Call 214-739-1166.
Monday, August 29
We love lemon bars, lemon cake, lemon pie, lemon custard; we've even been known to eat a lemon slice as though it were an orange. And yet we still don't love lemons as much as Martha Stewart. If you think her recipes are lemon-obsessed, it's no surprise. When she was released from prison in March, she said the things she missed the most were lemons. Pressed for additional answers, she added "friends and family" to her list, justifying her statement with, "But I could see my family" You don't have to love the tart citrus fruits more than your flesh and blood to attend Central Market's class Exploring: Lovely, Luscious Lemons, from 6:30 p.m. to 9 p.m. Monday. The lesson covers drinks to entrées to desserts through a menu that includes summer vegetable soup with shrimp and lemon and chicken baked in olives, lemon and capers. Admission is $50. Central Market is at the corner of Lovers Lane and Greenville Avenue. Call 214-361-5754.
Tuesday, August 30
An award-winning recipe: corned beef, coconut juice, sardines, tuna (in water and in oil), peeled tomatoes, cranberry juice and tea. The prize was not given for most nauseating concoction, though doesn't that combination sound like a dare from junior high? It was for a canned food sculpture of Rome's Tempietto, which used almost 2,000 tins of those foods in the annual Canstruction event--the competition and exhibit for which local design firms build sculptures using thousands of cans of food, which will be donated to local charities. The Dallas event, which is sponsored by the Society for Design Administration and benefits the North Texas Food Bank, starts this week with building at 3 p.m. Saturday at NorthPark Mall, Northwest Highway at North Central Expressway, and runs during mall hours for two weeks. Who says you can't make anything good using canned foods? Visit www.canstruction.org.
Wednesday, Augst 31
We just don't get it. Art critics call Joan Mitchell an "ecstatic and inventive colorist" and a "lyric poet in paint." But we just think, "Messy." They see genius with a vision and a goal; we see something that looks like a child in a kindergarten finger-painting class could have done with tempera paint--by accident. Maybe a look into the mind of Mitchell, via sketches and notes, might help. The exhibit Joan Mitchell: The 1946-1952 Sketchbook Drawings and Related Works features 60 pages from one notebook used during "an eventful period" in her life that included summers in Mexico, earning a bachelor of fine arts degree from the Art Institute in Chicago, a fellowship to travel to Europe, living in New York and introduction to the works of Franz Kline, a major influence. Joan Mitchell opens August 29 in the Pollock Gallery in the Hughes-Trigg Student Center, 3410 Dyer St., on the campus of Southern Methodist University. It runs Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays through October 15. Admission is free. Call 214-768-4439.