The Winspear Opera House's underground parking can be a mess, but it doesn't exactly sneak up on you. From the moment you pull your car in for a big performance, you're reminded, Oh yeah, this is three-act: Two acts in the theater, one in the garage. It's maddening, but you just saw a Tony-gobbling Broadway show. Are you really going bitch?
Yes, apparently. One of you, anyway.
My laugh-abs were still sore Saturday night when I pulled my not-Lexus out of its spot in the Lexus Red underground parking. In front of me was shiny black Audi; in front of it, a BMW SUV. In front of both of them was a long, not-moving line that snaked left and right and merged with two more lines of traffic before reaching the first of two ramps we needed to climb before we could race home to binge on Book of Mormon reviews and low-calorie desserts that aren't as low-calorie when you eat two of them.
It's going to be a while, everyone said.
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SHOW ME HOW
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NOT FOR ME I'M SPECIAL, Audi Man replied.
And so, there went Audi Man, speeding around the BMW and sticking the nose of his car into the next lane. At one point the BMW's passenger, a man, got out of his car and approached Audi Man, and we all thought, Hey this third act's really heating up. It ended without blows, and we assumed Audi Man had learned his lesson.
After all, he'd just seen a show whose underlying message is to be good to each other, to do good works in the name of just doing them, to not judge each other on the implausibility of our religious backstories or the douchiness of our window tinting. It was not, Audi Man, about how silly those silly Mormons are, although judging by the way you shoved your car into the next lane, intentionally keeping that Honda from inching out of its spot, I suspect this might have been your takeaway. I suspect you shoved your car into the church parking lot the next day and told all your friends about how you SHUT THE FUCK DOWN that Honda after a show about those GOOFY FUCKING MORMONS, right before amen-ing a story about a guy known for cursing fig trees and making food multiply like Gremlins.
Yeah, Audi Man, I think you missed the point. But hey: You got out of that garage in a record 26 minutes. Congrats.