You could be forgiven for thinking that America is no longer proud to be the land full of gun-toting, flag-bikini-wearing dipshits the Euros have been reckoning us for all these years. After all, Barack Obama is president, FoxNews is a running joke for anyone who can read above a first-grade level and gay marriage is rocking the Midwest. But lest you think your little intellectual bubble is safe and ever-expanding, know this: Monster truck rallies are alive and well and coming to a Texas Motor Speedway near you. That means that hundreds of North Texans are going to struggle to make the difficult decision between watching Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?
and grunting and yelling while big trucks crash into things. Actually, if either of those sound like awesome Friday night options, you're probably not, in fact, smarter than a fifth grader, anyway [Editor's note: Unless you're going for the people watching, in which case, please send us your photos]. You're probably also getting your crayons out so you can write a strongly worded letter to the editor about this liberal, sanctimonious meanypants article. Trust us, your energy is better spent attending Monster Trucks Unleashed!
at the speedway, 3601 Hwy 114 in Fort Worth this Friday night, at 6:00 p.m. Tickets are $12 to $17. Visit Lonestar-Promotions.com
Fri., July 17, 6 p.m., 2009