Arts & Culture News

Valets Suck, So Here Are Five Ways To Mess With Them

You can't go out in Dallas without the threat of valets. Somehow, in one of the most sprawling cities in America, we've managed to mess up parking to the extent where valets are legally required, and to get to them you have to drive past the parking spaces they will then drive your car back into. The situation is beyond idiotic, so we're launching a protest. Of sorts.

While a more worthwhile protest might be to appeal to City Hall (hah!) or the businesses themselves, in the spirit of generally being assholes we've devised a guide to messing with your valet. This will not actually achieve anything beyond giving you that innate sense of self-satisfaction that comes with being a smug asshole, but can you really put a value on that feeling? No. No you cannot.

1. The Sport of Valet Chicken

The seed from which this list was born, the urban sport of Valet Chicken is really very simple. What you do is you drive very slowly past the valet, maintaining eye contact throughout the process. The more ambitious valet might wave or shout at you. Most of them will simply be stunned into silence at your ability to shatter social norms, and remain immobile throughout.

That is the easy part. What you do next is simply park in one of the valet spots, get out the car, and walk to the restaurant, still maintaining eye contact with the by-now terrified valet. The constant eye contact is a tactic to scare the valet into not getting your car towed. If you come back out of the restaurant after your meal and your car hasn't been towed, then voila! You have triumphed at the sport of Valet Chicken, and struck an important blow to The Man.

2. The Ol' Switcharoo

This method requires a friend similarly committed to being an ass. Armed with a detailed description of your car, which you have already valeted, your friend goes up to the valet, says they have misplaced their valet ticket, but that their car is a perfect description of your car, down to the license plate. Eventually, the valet will go and get the car, just to avoid the hassle of a person constantly insisting that a car is theirs. Have your friend drive off in the car and wait around the corner.

Let five minutes pass. Then, stride up to the valet stand with your ticket and demand the return of your car, which the valet will discover is missing because they just gave it to someone, keys and all. Watch the valet turn fifteen shades of beetroot, and feel smugly satisfied that The Man has been demolished. Take that, society!

3. The Ultimate Sacrifice

This is a more advanced method, only for those with a real desire to smash the system. It requires both a car you do not like and a child you are willing to abandon. These stakes might seem high, but we're talking about The Man's iron grip on society.

Place the child in the backseat. Hand your car over to the valet as normal. Upon exiting the car, wait for the valet to notice there is still a child in the rear of the car, and when he turns back to look at you in confusion, shout "SUCKER!" and run away into the night. Legally, the valet now has to bring up the child. NOTE -- subsequent immediate immigration might be your best ploy, but you can re-settle in South America content in the knowledge you ended the tyranny of valet parking.

4. The Valet Removal Technique

A most effective technique, the Valet Removal Technique is guaranteed to allow those behind you to park their cars efficiently and their own damn selves, at the same time making everyone in your car split their sides laughing. It is based mainly on this bullying found in the classic British comedy Peep Show.

Basically, it's the old trick you used to play with your friends when you first learned to drive. Wait for them to be on the verge of opening the car door, and drive forward five yards. However, with valets, whose entire function involves opening your car door, you'll find you can ably lead the valet away from his post by some distance, especially if you shout "MY BRAKES HAVE FAILED IN A WAY THAT CANNOT BE EXPLAINED BY SCIENCE" really loudly out the window.

This sacrifice, leading the valet away from his main hunting ground, will allow the cars behind you to undo the tyranny of valet on the spot, and simply park themselves, while a valet fruitlessly chases you around the parking lot, very slowly.

5. Fart


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Gavin Cleaver
Contact: Gavin Cleaver