4. The Valet Removal Technique
A most effective technique, the Valet Removal Technique is guaranteed to allow those behind you to park their cars efficiently and their own damn selves, at the same time making everyone in your car split their sides laughing. It is based mainly on this bullying found in the classic British comedy Peep Show.
Basically, it's the old trick you used to play with your friends when you first learned to drive. Wait for them to be on the verge of opening the car door, and drive forward five yards. However, with valets, whose entire function involves opening your car door, you'll find you can ably lead the valet away from his post by some distance, especially if you shout "MY BRAKES HAVE FAILED IN A WAY THAT CANNOT BE EXPLAINED BY SCIENCE" really loudly out the window.
This sacrifice, leading the valet away from his main hunting ground, will allow the cars behind you to undo the tyranny of valet on the spot, and simply park themselves, while a valet fruitlessly chases you around the parking lot, very slowly.