Valley View's Wasteland Still a Good Place to Catch a Flick -- A Zombie Movie, Perhaps

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Dying Valley View Mall might not have Gadzooks, Thirsty's or dignity anymore, but what it does have is the perfect movie theater. I love it, because you're too scared to take your pretty girlfriend there, so it's always empty.

I wait in zero line to see Frozen on opening weekend while you're at NorthPark Center's movie theater, standing in a packed house during the previews, whisper-bitching at some 9-year old to get out of your assigned seat.

You're teaching your kids the words "shitbag" and "fuckball" while you whine about the crappy parking that's miles away from the theater because the dang valet took all the good NorthPark spots, and I'm parking right up front at Valley View Mall.

I'm probably ruining my favorite place by telling you about it, but it was deader than Carrot Top's Botox-ed forehead the last time I went, and I'm scared the place might close. Speaking of Carrot Top, his eyebrows just keep getting more phenomenal. He must be going to Valley View Mall's Browz A Round to maintain those perfectly shaped brows, raised in a constant state of "I-just-got-surprise-butt-plugged." He's 49 but he looks so naturally great. It has to be thanks to Browz A Round's eyebrow management.

At Valley View Mall, you don't have to get to the movie theater early to beat the crowd because there is no crowd. It's a mathematical impossibility that there could be a crowd at the AMC at Valley View Mall because fewer than the number of people it would take to create a crowd knows this place exists.

The bathrooms are clean because nobody's ever in them, and there are zero teenagers talking about how their new Fendi is way better than their old Fendi was.

If you do happen to accidentally get to the theater early, there's plenty to keep you occupied. Take in the beautiful majesty of the Valley View Mall escalator. Count the other people in the mall (Highest I've gotten to is eight). Or play a rousing game of "find the name-brand store." It's just like playing "find the angry, rich gramma wearing fur in 80-degree weather" at NorthPark, only there's less denture-yelling.

Next time you're headed to the movies, consider visiting the ghost town that is Valley View Mall's AMC. It has everything you ever wanted in a movie theater and less.

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