The many faces of Victoria
The many faces of Victoria

Victoria Beckham Will Visit Neiman's on Wednesday. Know Her Mood with this Helpful Guide.

She's a fashion icon, an international celebrity, cyborg and a award-winning clothing designer, and tomorrow, November 14, you can snag a peek at Victoria Beckham when she visits the flagship downtown Neiman Marcus. She'll be there for a special, private affair to promote her ready-to-wear line, Victoria, but she'll also be doing a photo shoot on the main floor at 3:15.

She will not be conducting interviews, or speaking at all since A.) her programming doesn't allow it, and B.) it would drain her battery charge too quickly -- an especially sticky situation since her adapter power plug isn't grounded for American voltage.

With words off the table, here's a handy photo guide for deciphering Victoria Beckham's mood based on her visual cues.

The many faces of Victoria
The many faces of Victoria

From left to right: 1.) Romantic Program Number 10001110101 -- This is a great Beckham to encounter, her programming will allow for sensitivity, one lone oily tear and standing within two feet of her personal space halo, but no touching. Never touching.

2.) Maternal Program Number 11101010110 -- This Beckham is both gentle and protective, so move cautiously. Use grizzly bear rules for Maternal Beckham: Do not make eye contact with any of the family members; run downhill, never uphill; and back away cautiously after leaving some type of offering (bolts, hand mirrors, old batteries and Spice Girls memorabilia).

3.) Business Program Number 10110101010 -- The phrase "bend it like Beckham" did not originate from the 2002 film of the same name. It started when Victoria first had her business management chip installed, BEFORE programmers realized it must ALWAYS be coupled with a buffering code. She snapped, crushing titanium briefcases like soda cans, then body piling them in the corner of Babies R' Us' corporate meeting room.

4.) "I Feel You've Wronged Me" Program Number 11101010111 -- If you see this Beckham on Wednesday, do not dally. Do not stay for photos. In fact, when "I Feel You've Wronged Me" is running, those same flash bulbs which typically rejuvenate our favorite fashion cyborg, will only agitate her. Since "feelings" are relayed to Victoria via binary code, this wishy washy state of being does not sit well. She needs hard data, otherwise she won't know precisely what it is that you've done, but she's certain it was terrible. Next, smashy revenge via claw hand.

5.) "Alert. Alert. Alert." Program Number 10001010111 -- Don't try to be a hero. Push down the elderly, make a protective torch out of a feather ballgown, climb those amazing Neiman Marcus draperies -- whatever, just reach safety. Do you want to know why there are ZERO paparazzi photos of other women standing near David Beckham? It's because of this setting. When in "Alert. Alert. Alert.", Beckham can fly like Iron Man, morph shapes like the Terminator and out shit-talk your foulest-mouthed brunch friend. Sadly, few survive.

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