Well if it isn't Beto O'Rourke reading his favorite alt-weekly. I assume you just dropped off Molly, Ulysses and your other kid at school and now you're sitting at home drinking a nice hot cup of coffee (with a little bit of Bailey's because it's cold now) with your iPad in hand. Now that you don't have to read those other boring websites for your political news, you're reading us. Welcome! Since announcing you've dropped out of the 2020 presidential race, you might be a little stressed on what to do with the rest of your life. We all are. Welcome, again! But because our $10 contribution to your campaign didn't seem to help, we want to offer any kind of support we can. We came up with five things you can do now with all your free time.
1. Teen Idol
Use the youth's love of you to your advantage. You're a one-man Beatlemania. Before your entire head of hair turns to gray, print some posters with your face on it, find a tour bus and head out on a meet-and-greet tour. These days, teen idols don't have to sing or dance — they just need the fan base. Start a TikTok account to add to the mania and soon you won't be able to walk into a mall without hearing shrieks.
2. Mysterious Carpool Dad
Because you've been spending countless hours on the campaign trail, you haven't had the chance to sit in a carpool lane. Now is your time to become El Paso's mysterious carpool dad. The moms will ask one another who you are and what you're about. "So what's the deal with mysterious carpool dad?" they will say to one another. "Is he seeing anyone? No, no, I'm not asking for me, I'm asking for a friend. So, like, what's his deal?"
3. PTA Dad
If that seems too laid-back for you, then become a PTA dad. El Paso's school lunch menu is probably bad, so take it upon yourself to organize a campaign to get healthy lunches in the mouths of kids. When you've accomplished that, aim higher and campaign for rock 'n' roll to be taught in music class. The sky is the limit, and no one knows that better than you.
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4. Youth Pastor
Yes, this is another kid-centric job, but we really think you've struck a nerve with the kids, so it's better to run with it instead of against it. Surely you've heard of John 3:16, and it's easy to memorize, so head to a church with your guitar and skateboard and become the world's coolest youth pastor. Organize some pizza nights at the arcade and let everyone know you wanna be a youth pastor forever because that's where God wants you right now.
5. Substitute Teacher
This is a temporary gig, but it gives you a little bit of freedom. Your edginess will be welcomed because when the kids hear you say "damn" in front of them, they will think it's a sign of respect. There's a chance a rumor might start that the promiscuous 11th grader made out with you, but those rumors will be quickly shut down when everyone remembers what a great guy you are.