Alice Column

We're Going to Need a Guy Fieri Punching Booth at the New Dallas Farmers Market

Welcome to Alice Column, in which Alice Laussade writes stories about things on (roughly) the same day of (roughly) every week, making it (roughly) a column. Got an idea for a column? Start your own blog and write it up, you lazy shit.

The Farmers Market is going to be rebuilt. There seem to be some ideas about what will be done, starting with tearing the thing down to the ground and rebuilding it as a pedestrian food mall by 2015. They're planning to add more local food (obviously), a rooftop deck, cafes and a band shell. But if we have until 2015, we should be thinking bigger, right?

I want to see a Scardello cheesescalator. Why build stairs when you have a badass cheese provider who could make an escalator out of cheeses?

Fudgemakers, the fudge man who's in Shed 2 right now? I'm sure he'd be all about teaming up with the Dude, Sweet Chocolate people and building a forest of giant chocolate trees for all of us to climb/eat.

See also: - A Modest Proposal to Save Valley View Mall, Starting with a Bounce-House Bar for Adults - What Downtown Dallas Really Needs Is More Hooker-ish Rainbow Light Shows

Two words: Wine stands. Like keg stands, but fancier. And only after 8 p.m., obviously. Sommeliers, let's get Dallas wine-hammered.

Dean Fearing and Stephan Pyles will captain the Made-Entirely-of-Stephan-Pyles'-Blue-Corn-Muffins-and-those-Tiny-Tacos-from-Fearing's Muffin & Taco Ship (aka The Cougar Yacht).

Just-Tre-Wilcox's-Arms will be there, among the tomatoes, taking autographs.

There'll be a support group for people with family members who commit food crimes, like ordering steaks well done. Tiffany Derry will nod when you reveal how difficult it was to stand up for yourself when friends made fun of you for eating mussels. "We'll get through this," John Tesar will say as he side-hugs you.

I want Willy Wonka to shit his candyman pants when he sees this foodtopia. I want Jacques Pepin to tell people about how inspired this kick-ass farmers market is and how delicious ranch dressing body shots are. I want Guy Fieri to be ... punched in the face multiple times, HOW DID I NOT THINK OF A GUY FIERI PUNCHING BOOTH YET? ADD IT TO THE LIST, PEOPLE.

I want BBQ Snob Daniel Vaughn to weep when he sees the Pecan Lodge-sponsored barbecue sauce river with the Lockhart Smokehouse-sponsored sausage gondoliers in it using Luscher's Post Oak Red Hots gondola sticks to steer. I want Jonathan Gold to walk in the doors of one of our amazetits food sheds and be all, "No. Effing. Way." And we're like, "Total. Effing. Way, Jonagold."

If you insist on tearing this place down, for the love of truffles please rebuild it into something cool. The last thing Dallas needs is for you to tear down a food shed to rebuild it into an only-semi-better food shed. The end.

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Alice Laussade writes about food, kids, music, and anything else she finds to be completely ridiculous. She created and hosts the Dallas event, Meat Fight, which is a barbecue competition and fundraiser that benefits the National MS Society. Last year, the event raised $100,000 for people living with MS, and 750 people could be seen shoving sausage links into their faces. And one time, she won a James Beard Award for Humor in Writing. That was pretty cool.
Contact: Alice Laussade