Welcome to Alice Column, in which Alice Laussade writes stories about things on (roughly) the same day of (roughly) every week, making it (roughly) a column. Got an idea for a column? Start your own blog and write it up, you lazy shit.
Allergies are total assholes. They're bigger assholes than cheap tacos that look all delicious and then taste like dump. They're bigger assholes than Les Misérables the movie, which was an asshole ﬁlled with assholes and you know it.
It's time for us to kick the asses of all allergies. From small, jerk-off seasonal allergies like pollen all the way to food allergies, which are some of the biggest bunch of duckshit dicksack junkhole allergies you'll ever encounter.
In fact, let me take a moment to chastise some of you food allergies personally. I'm starting with you, Peanut Allergy. You, sir, are a real bastard. A PB&J is something every kid should be allowed to love. No almond butter and J. AB&J sounds like an invitation to something awful. Because it is. Getting an almond butter and jelly sandwich when you're expecting a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is like getting a boob massage from your uncle when you were expecting a PB&J.
And the peanut allergy affects all the kids at school, not just the ones who have peanut allergies. Nobody can pack peanut butter in lunches now, because Peanut Allergy is such a wad, if a kid with a peanut allergy snags some peanut butter from another kid's lunch, really horrible awful things happen. So, now we're all crying into our hands giving our kids cheese and Miracle Whip sandwiches for lunch and we're like, "I'm so, so, sorry, sweetie -- it's Peanut Allergy's fault."
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
See also: Please Don't Mess With Big Tex
Shellﬁsh allergies can also suck all of it. Why would you take away the joy of lobster? I don't care how sweetly Sebastian sang to Ariel, that dude's claws were uhmaaaazing. Whoever invented the shellﬁsh allergy should be forced to sit through one entire episode of the Fresh Beat Band. That'll be enough for the inventor to regret everything about being alive.
And gluten allergies? Super Mega Hans Gruber Assholes. No, I don't want a gluten-free cookie. Nobody wants that. Not even people with gluten allergies. If you asked someone with a gluten allergy whether they'd prefer 1) a gluten-free cookie or 2) not fucking being allergic to gluten, they'd choose 2 every time. I hope someone egg-farts on you until you die, Gluten Allergy.
So, how are we going to stop all the allergies? Screw You Allergies Walks all over the world. We'll raise a bunch of money and then we'll use that money to create machines that will punch allergies in their sensitive parts. Then they'll go away. Science.