Why Are You Wearing Scarves in Summer, Dallas?

Recently, I asked a scarf if it had a moment to sit with me and talk about why it's in Dallas so much this time of year. The scarf was gracious enough to oblige. Here is our interview:

Hey, Scarf. Can I just ask, what the hell? It's 100 degrees outside. Why are people wearing you all over Dallas right now? I know, right? I saw a dude wearing a woolie beanie in NorthPark Mall the other day, and I almost punched him in the smirky face. We are not at all seasonal right now.

Is it some kind of fashion thing? My function is to keep you warm. If you live in a climate where it's 50 degrees outside in August, hey, sure it makes sense to wear me. Wear the shit out of some me if it's that cool and breezy and you're out on a lake sailing with your aunt. (Of course, no speed boats. Things don't end well when I do speed boats.) But this is Dallas. And you bitches keep sweating on me. The stupidity of the act is beginning to piss me off.

September is coming. Is it appropriate to wear you in September in Dallas? September is the beginning of fall. Of course it's appropriate -- if the temperature outside isn't still balls hot. Really, that's all it comes down to: If it's hot enough outside to fry your balls, say no to the scarf. (Unless you're wearing it on your head to protect yourself from Total Recall UV rays.)

Coming soon, I'll be sitting down with UGGs for a serious chat.

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