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Wife Swap is Holding Auditions in Mesquite Today, and We Know What The Producers Want

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You have until 6:30 p.m. to convince your wife that she would be happier with another family. That's when Wife Swap producers will interview potential subjects for next season. The once-popular, then canceled, ABC program has been exhumed, dusted off and sanitized for another go -- but they need fresh talent, and that's where you come in.

Gentlemen: wouldn't you like to know if someone else would be a better mother to your children? Ladies: is a week with a stern Amish dictator exactly what your husband needs to realize how good he has it? Well then, it's time to get all Freaky Friday with your sacred bond and trade lives with another family.

Requirements are minimal. You've got to be a married couple with at least one child age 6 or older living at home. Also, if past Wife Swap episodes have taught us anything it's that you'll be more successful if you:

- Have vero shame - Hoard everything - Live off the land - Believe all bacteria to be beneficial - Drink liquids that have fermented at their own will - Think immunizations are for heathens - Run a snake farm - Exercise extreme religious beliefs - Live out your severe Type A tendencies through your children's extra curricular activities

If you're a total shitbag who hates your wife, bring her and the rest of your family to the ultra classy Mesquite ProRodeo (1818 Rodeo Dr., Mesquite, 75149) tonight, from 6:30 to 9:30 p.m. If you can't make it, call 855-777-SWAP, or email a family photo and description to: WifeSwap@zodiakusa.com.

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