Why do we do this to ourselves? Every year, even the most sane among us stumble down Greenville Avenue like a horde of cottonheaded ninnymuggins. And for what? The only people watching the "parade" are the policeman making overtime to write us indecent exposure tickets when we piss in the streets. And at the end of it all, we zombie crawl our way back to our cars, which are somewhere north of Lovers Lane. But year after year, you and your tiredass liver drag yourselves to the M Streets to party like a bachelor party on Bourbon Street. You'll do it again this year, you and every person on this list.
Irish Impersonator Today, this guy bleeds green. He has the beads, the shamrocks, the dumb hat, the green glasses that double as a crazy straw, and about 30 cans of domestic beer on his person. His great, great, great, someone was totally from Ireland, but he has no clue if it's Northern Ireland or Republic of Ireland. He didn't know there was a difference. HHe will spend the first part of the day speaking in an accent that sounds Jamaican, he eats Shepherd's Pie, and loves soccer, especially Roy Keane. Or is it Robbie Keane? Somebody Keane. He tells you all of this while using the alley like a toilet.
The Irish Expat He got stuck in parade traffic on his way to Central Market. He just wants some corned beef, a little beer, and to be almost anywhere else. Don't cross him, lassie.
The Drunken Frat Boy Jeans, Boots, and a green polo? Check. Flat billed ball cap? Check. Case of keystone beer and maybe a flask of Jameson in his boots? Check. Money for his Drunk & Disorderly ticket? His parents will deposit that tomorrow.
Your Mom You're both wasted. Hide behind your taller friend, stick your flask back into your underwear and proceed casually.
The Perfect Family They got to the parade early and their kids are dressed up like little leprechauns. It's so endearing. They're cheering when the floats walk by, and when the kids get tired dad picks them up and puts them on his shoulders. They would never consider going south of Mockingbird on Greenville, because it would raise the premium on their life insurance.
Skanky Costume Girl She hasn't had a proper excuse to wear a skirt that high and a top that low since Mardis Gras and that was like totes a month ago. She's worked at 3 "breastaraunts" and is seriously thinking about getting a serious job or a husband with a serious job. Maybe that man of her dreams is out there today.
The Not So Perfect Family Mom is blasted. Dad is tanked. Their kids will be found my the DPD later, running around the streets of Dallas with an army forged from either Oliver Twist or The City of Lost Children. If you recognize the names of those books, add five points to your scorecard. Another five points if you berate the children, and ask them where their parents. Just cross your fingers that they've been vaccinated.
The Warm Body These people aren't Irish and they don't claim to be. They may be wearing green, but probably aren't. They see beads on the ground and don't pick them up. You might hear them complaining about parking, toilet lines, or substandard alcohol choices. Somehow these people have friends who invite them places. If you had to say something nice about them...well, they sure know how to keep a beating pulse.
Drunk Dad Brigade This group of no more than 10, no less than 4 has been coming to the parade for decades. They remember the parade's glory days, though their opinions differ on what year that was. They can't drink like they used to and after years in the labor force they definitely can't stand as long. That's why he and his friends have been camped out at a bar patio drinking homemade Irish coffee since 6:30 a.m.. They're taking it slow, closing down the bars, and they owe their babysitters a ransom.
The Greenies These kids are green, and I'm not talking about their clothes. They're first-timers to one of Dallas' best events. They think St. Patrick's Day is all pinches and cabbage, but along Greenville avenue they'll stand corrected. The parade. The floats. The block parties. The local businesses, restaurants, and bars. The older man puking in the street. Next St. Patrick's Day they'll tell their friends the story of the first time they painted the town green.
Enjoy your time at the 36th Annual Greenville Avenue St. Patrick's Day Parade at 11 a.m. March 14. Don't miss the Observer sponsored concert featuring Josh Abbott Band at noon. Details and parade route at dallasstpatricksparade.com/