Sen. Ted Cruz enraged constituents yet again this week when he was caught catching a flight to Cancún with his wife, Heidi, and their daughters. Texans continued to suffer below-freezing temperatures and massive power outages while Cruz was seemingly off to vacation under the Mexican sun.
Cruz returned the next day, however, showing his undying support for Texas in the most overtly symbolic of ways: by donning a Texas flag face mask. It was all a big misunderstanding, Cruz said, as he'd only flown to another country briefly to drop off his family and totally hadn't flown back only because going on a vacation while there's a crisis in the state you represent is an unwise PR move, especially for a man with designs on the White House.
Through some relentless independent research, however, we were able to find the real reasons Cruz returned to Texas.
1. He’d forgotten to bring his “I really don’t care do you? “ jacket.
2. His all-inclusive hotel didn’t include free porn.
3. He got an alert for an Amazon package arrival and didn’t want to risk it getting stolen.
4. He was really on a secret plastic surgery trip but the doctors said they could not make him look “more like Stormy Daniels.”
5. He forgot he left his garage door open.
6. He couldn’t find a Taco Bell in Mexico. Or any “Tex-Mex.”
7. He got mad when someone mistook him for a worm from a tequila bottle.
8. The hotel manager refused to have staff fold the towels into the shape of baby elephants.
9. He was triggered when he watched The Mandalorian on the flight there and was reminded that Gina Carano was kicked off the show.
10. His suite update was canceled, and he’s against cancel culture.
11. He forgot that Mexico also had coronavirus.
12. He'd read a sign on the airport that said he was "duty free," but then later learned he'd misunderstood.
13. He couldn’t find a hairdresser who’d refused to shut her salon during lockdowns.
14. He didn’t realize people wanted him to do his job when he’s consistently asked to resign.
15. He wanted to watch the Rover landing and couldn’t find reliable Wi-Fi.
16. He couldn't take more sun because he was sufficiently roasted on the internet.
17. Mexico didn’t want him there.
18. His family didn’t want him there.