The opening scene of this week's Top Chef picked up where we left off last week: Valentesar fight. Tesar was being Tesar, and Valentine goes, "There's a thing called tact, and obviously you don't have any." And Tesar says, "Oh, Oklahoma has a lot of tact."
And then everyone watching at home goes, "OOOOOOH DAAAAAAAAMN. OKLAHOMA BURN!" (If you're thinking, "Why you gotta bring Oklahoma into this shit, Tesar?" Remember: Valentine's from Oklahoma City. Still a lame joke -- but at least it's semi-relevant.)
At this point, Valentine calls Tesar a prick. Dammit. Mom and Dad are fighting again.
And then, we bet Tesar was all, "Your mom!" And Valentine was all, "No, dude -- Your. Mom," and then they probably had a pillow fight, but Bravo just didn't have time to show it because they had to show Stefan giving a girl a foot massage instead.
At some point during the kerfuffle, Valentine once again brought up the "Tesar is the Most Hated Chef in Dallas" thing, and I began to wonder. Is he? Really? And how was this measured? I know it was the cover story in D Magazine, and a bunch of chefs were interviewed about working with/around Tesar, but were they asked who they hated most out of all of their peers (I'm hoping someone wrote a quick Eater-style multiple choice question: a) The Swedish Chef, b) John Tesar c) Ronald McDonald), or were servers and diners asked? Was there a trophy given? I hope so. I hope, somewhere, Tesar has a trophy that says, "Most Hated Chef in Dallas, 2011." At this point, I feel like the dude should have a trophy for it, with the way people are dropping the achievement every episode like it's an Oscar.
And when do we crown the new Most Hated Chef in Dallas? Is it an every five years thing, like Texas Monthly's BBQ and burger lists? Is there a second place awarded? I'm sure the rest of the Dallas chefs would like to know, so they can plan their year accordingly.
I digress.
Stefan ends up calling the argument a "cat fight" and saying that he felt like he was on an episode of Real Housewives of Seattle. Completely accurate.
There was a QuickFire, judged by Naomi Pomeroy, who brought giant meat slabs for everyone to butcher.
Tesar won, with oxtail. Everyone else cried inside. Valentine twirled his mustache (they actually got a shot of that happening during this episode. Pretty awesome).
Then, they were all asked to recreate dishes from the '50s for Canlis restaurant. Valentine made a French onion soup. It came out cold. The judges weren't hyped about it. Padma did not like it. She said the words, "It was so much salt in my mouth." (Yep.) And then her face went like this:
Tesar spent the night expediting food and also made clams. McPherson made the Hawaiian Supreme (which, apparently, is not a sex move on Top Chef, but instead is a dessert that involves vanilla ice cream). Both dishes went over pretty well, but were never mentioned in the top dishes of the night.
Valentine ended up in the bottom four chefs of the night, facing elimination. When they asked him why the soup was cold, he blamed Tesar's expediting. When asked how he thought Tesar did as an expeditor overall, he said that he knew Tesar had a plan, but that the plan failed. And, then he called Tesar "a monkey" (in front of the judges, not in front of Tesar this time).
Two Not-From-Dallas lady chefs go home; Valentine is safe. WHICH MEANS ALL THREE DALLAS CHEFS ARE STILL IN IT, YOU GUYS!!! I hope they all open a restaurant up together after this and call it "Yep."
Next Episode Predictions: Tesar cries, Valentine takes off his hat for one second, McPherson kicks ass at singing Whitney Houston's version of "I Will Always Love You" during the first Top Chef Karaoke QuickFire.
