Would you believe that if you had a dollar for every Dorito consumed on Super Bowl Sunday you'd have enough money to buy a spot during halftime? Sure you'd believe it. But I just made that shit up. Folks eat up statistics about Super Bowl ad spend, but do they eat up the foods advertised during the game? Beats me. That's not really the point. The point is ... America, apparently. So much America. And hashtags. Hashtags are the real winners this year, folks.
The following are my picks for the ten best food-based Super Bowl ads for 2014.
10. Newcastle's "Behind The Scenes Of The Mega Huge Game Day Ad Newcastle Almost Made"
This spot's getting a lot of positive buzz for Anna's little "Am I beer commercial hot?" monologue. I'm just glad she didn't sing that effing "Cups" song. Again. Shit gets stuck in my head for days.
9. Chobani "Bear Attack!"
Newsflash: Bears like honey and honey-flavored yogurt. And trashing convenience stores. Man, bears are so hot right now, as this was one of two spots starring bears. Also, Joe Namath may or may not have been wearing a bear to the game.
8. SodaStream "Sorry, Coke And Pepsi"
What's that saying about the definition of insanity? Trying to trash talk the Super Bowl's biggest advertiser two years in a row expecting a different result? I'm really not sure why SodaStream has the money or balls to purchase airtime and Scarlett "big boobies" Johansson, but since the halftime show (not to mention the Go Daddy ads, surprisingly) didn't have any T&A, I suppose we're close to even.
7. Doritos "Cowboy Kid"
It's a simple equation. Kids + dogs + chips = Super Bowl success. A kid getting all wild, wild West and riding a mastiff to get Doritos? Even cuter. And then he hogties his brother! Adorbs! Speaking of puppies, you'll notice I didn't include the Budweiser "Puppy Love" spot in this list because it's an absolute effing cop-out! "What's cuter than last year's little boy who grows up to be besties with a Clydesdale? A PUPPY?! We are brilliant." -- Budweiser and their ad folk. You will not win, Budweiser. Not this year. Bud Light, however ...
6. Bud Light "Ian Up For Whatever"
This Bud Light commercial takes a TV'sAverage Joe
-like guy out for the night of his life because when you drink mediocre beer, anything can happen. It's epic in a Super Bowl ad sort of way, which I appreciate. Who else is dying to finish this joke: Don Cheadle and a llama walk into an elevator ...
5. Wonderful Pistachios "Stephen Colbert"
This spot features American treasures Stephen Colbert and a bald eagle wearing matching outfits in Colbert's "study" surrounded by pistachios and pistachio-themed items. There's even acontest
to count the number of pistachios in the commercial to win 100K. That website?Countournuts.com
. Nuts! Ha. I'm a child.
4. Peanut M&M's "Delivery"
The M&M folkscould
keep trying to get sexy with their hard-shelled, nutted candy, but instead they went all Russian mobster. And it was cute. And now I want a peanut M&M sundae, too.
3. Nestlé "Butterfinger Cups"
Peanut butter and chocolate go together like the Super Bowl and advertising. This spot is a little bit funny. Also, Butterfinger peanut butter cups exist. Win.
2. Dannon Oikos Greek Yogurt "The Spill"
Problem here is that Jimmy Fallon already reunited the cast ofFull House
, and he did a much better job. Yet, Stamos is Stamos. And ruining Uncle Jesse's game is almost as fun as messing up his hair.Cut. It. Out.
1. Cheerios "Gracie"
Cuteness and puppiesand
controversy over a black daddy and a white mommy? Please. It's not like they usedChocolate
Cheerios. The point is this cute kid negotiating for a puppy using Cheerios is an appropriate use of puppies in commercials. The race of the family is irrelevant. It's 2014, for milk's sake.